Dear Eating Disorder (I refuse to address you as ED, #sorrynotsorry),
I first got this assignment two summers ago while in treatment for the second time. When my therapist at the time suggested I write you a thank you letter, my mouth dropped. Why on earth would I thank something that was slowly destroying my life? If anything, I wanted to write a big "F-you!" letter, one that told you just how much torment, misery, and suffering you had inflicted upon both me and my loved ones.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I began to understand the reasoning behind what I was being asked to do. For a long time, you helped me. You were my best friend, my sole confidant. You allowed me to survive. And while I don't want to thank you, while it seems paradoxical at best, I know that I have to acknowledge all that you did for me in order to continue on the challenging path of recovery.
So here goes nothing. To my eating disorder, thank you. Thank you for protecting me from all the hurt I was feeling. Thank you for distracting me, for giving me something else to focus on. Thank you for being my friend and for being something I could always turn to. Thank you for shielding me from the painful reality I was living.
Thank you, eating disorder; really, I mean it. You served a function for a long time. You taught me how to survive in the only way I knew how. Now, however, I know better. I can no longer be easily fooled by the tricks and stories that led me to believe I needed you. While it may be true that at one point or another you were my saving grace, the reality of the situation that I'm now able to see is that you were slowly killing me.
You robbed me of everything I had. You isolated me; you cost me relationships. You stole my ability to get close to people—you ruined any chances I may have had at intimacy. You stifled my feelings, making it that much harder to gain access to them once I began the tiresome (but necessary) journey that is recovery. You imprisoned me and left me in a land in which food, exercise, and self-hatred were the only things that mattered. You turned me into a person I didn't recognize; you clouded my vision and altered my morals. You forced me to value appearance and control above all. You made me believe I was good for nothing and good for no one. You convinced me I was in control when that couldn't have been farther from the truth. You pushed me to spiral out of control; and, worst of all, you told me time and time again that nothing was wrong. You lied to me--you cheated me. In short, you made me hate myself.
These are things I can never forgive you for.These are things you shouldn't be forgiven for. And yet, here I am thanking you. Perhaps the thing I thank you for most is turning me into a fighter, a soldier. You taught me that I deserve better, that I'm worth more than a life confined by your rules. You taught me that I have the courage and bravery within me to stand up for myself and to fight for a better life. You taught me how to fight. And although I wouldn't consider myself recoverED, I would say, without a doubt, that I'm pushing myself each and every day to get rid of you once and for all. So thank you, eating disorder, for all that you have done, but you won't be needed anymore.
Signed by a girl who refuses to give up the fight,
Alex
