Dear Mortals of America,

Good job! You have unknowingly and unwittingly set in motion the chain of events which shall lead to my prompt return to my full power and glory on Earth. Some of you may ask, “Who are you? Why are you returning? What did we do to deserve this?” To these, I ignore the first two questions and hop right to the third one. What didn’t you do?

The men half of you aspire to be are perverts and fornicators. The women half of you aspire to be are also perverts and fornicators. Your Republican nominee is almost literally an orange raisin with a small John Thomas, and your Democratic nominee is a white raisin with no John Thomas at all. What’s the big deal, America?

Now we have people chanting to repeal basic fundamental human rights because they’re just an eyesore to one of your candidates? While we’re on that topic, why don’t we just repeal all laws about everything? Turn America into the proud pile of steaming garbage you must admit you’ve always wanted it to become.

Don’t mistake my scathing comments for sarcasm, I’m actually very proud of you. After all, as the champion of free will, I’m also all for protecting your right to suppress the free will of others. I’m all for taking those who are lesser than you and snuffing out their dreams, their sense of humanity, and even their lives. I encourage you, let these negative feelings run rampant.

You see that person who doesn’t share your genitalia? She’s your inferior. Assert your dominance. You see that guy whose skin is darker than yours? You should shoot him, he’s probably a drug dealer or a fornicator or something. You see that guy who kisses guys? He’s probably a worthless piece of garbage, and you should deny him basic human rights. You see that family that worships your God, but does it slightly wrong? Looks like they deserve a good old round of ethnic cleansing! Oh, they’re asking for your help because their cities are burning and their children are getting murdered? Just drop more bombs on them! Problem solved!

Take it from me. Equality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If everyone’s equal, how will we determine who deserves to live and who deserves to die? How will we learn who should go to Hell, and who gets to live eternally with God in Heaven?

The only lives who matter are the lives who enforce their ideals blindly and with little-to-no consequence. Remember that.

Sincerely,

Far-Right Jesus