Disclaimer: this article contains material about a sensitive topic to most. Just a heads up.

People say that suicide is selfish. Maybe it is, but in the seconds in which someone is about to take their own life, they’re content with being selfish. That may sound stupid or immature, but as someone who has dealt with suicide first hand, I feel I can better explain why it may or may not be a selfish act. Suicide is a commonly misconstrued topic in my opinion. Unless someone leaves a note or makes a dying declaration, it is near impossible to understand what caused a person to reach the point at which they figured that they were better off dead. I feel like we mostly tell ourselves what we want to hear in order to cope with the loss. We tell ourselves that the person wasn’t happy; that they’re in a better place now.

We blame a singular person for their hurtful words over time. We claim that the depression became too much and there was no way to prevent the act from happening. From experience I can say that most of the time it’s a mixture of things that cause a person to consider killing themselves. Society tends to keep the subject taboo which never really gives anyone a chance to ask questions. Why did someone do it? Was there any hope? Could it have been prevented? What was going through their mind before they ended it all? Were they being selfish? Some people want to know these answers as closure for themselves. Some are just curious as to how someone could get to the point where they feel death is the only option. Whatever the reason may be for asking these questions, our knowledge is limited and for that reason we remain ignorant on how to help a suicidal person. I chose to write about this topic in order to give the perspective of a suicidal person, so that people can understand just what is going through someone’s mind and how to help them.

Every time I attempted suicide there were a buildup of problems that led to it. I couldn’t point to one event or person and say “that’s why I wanted to die.” For years I’ve suffered from Major Depression Disorder which was a huge contributor to my suicidal tendencies. I always felt as if I wasn’t enough. My mind would tell me that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, or anything positive. I could be surrounded by people who are laughing and having a good time, maybe they were even laughing at a joke I told, but I would still be unbelievably unhappy. Walls surrounded my heart from any love because I believed I didn’t deserve it. I never told my friends or family about my depression because why bother people with my problems? For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the more sensitive one out of all my siblings, and that caused me to be called a cry baby, over reactor, and all sorts of other names when I got upset. I was programmed from a young age to not express my hurt unless I wanted to be made fun of, so once I was older, I knew better than to go to anyone with my problems. I was also bullied during middle school and my freshman year of high school which increased my lack of confidence and extensive self-image problems. All of this meshed with family problems I was dealing with just felt like my whole world was crumbling.

The first two times I almost killed myself I distinctly remember thinking that the world would just be better off without me. I was a problem for everyone and no one would care if I was gone because it was one less thing to worry about. This could be viewed by people as an “unselfish” version of suicide. In this incident, the individual genuinely believes that they are doing the world a favor by being gone. It may be hard to see from an outside point of view, but when things pile up to the point where someone feels like they are a burden to everyone, suicide seems like a favor to all. After failed suicide attempts I still had not received help, but I looked for ways to remind myself that I was of importance to this world. For an individual that feels the world is better off without them, the best thing to do is remind them of why they matter. You don’t necessarily have to go big and say why every single person in the world needs them, but start off by explaining why they mean so much to you. I reminded myself that some of my younger friends looked up to me for strength during hard times, so I needed to be around to help them. For the longest time, those three girls were my sole reason for surviving. I was just a suicidal girl trying to make sure other suicidal girls didn’t commit suicide.

The third and final time I attempted to kill myself could be viewed by some as the “selfish” version of suicide. All I could think about in that moment was how I just wanted to feel better. I always felt worthless, but I knew people loved me. My brain kept reminding me of all my flaws while my friends would point out things that I aspired in. It was like I was unable to convince myself that I was happy, and it was utterly exhausting. Arguing with yourself and finding yourself crying for hours for no apparent reason takes a toll on an individual. It got to the point where I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop hating myself and I wanted the constant pain to end. I had come to the decision that death was the only way to stop it. I knew people would miss me, but I didn’t care because I was a mess of emotions and just wanted my own pain to go away. You can’t blame someone for this; it’s something they can’t help. The mind is a tricky thing. My friends still had not found out after this attempt, but my family did, and they did the best thing you can do for someone who is in this situation. They took me to a therapist every week and a psychiatrist every month who prescribed me with medication that helped me almost as much as the therapy did.

There is so much, yet so little you can do for a person who suffers from suicidal thoughts. The thing is that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Sometimes no matter what we say to someone, nothing will get through to them, but never stop trying. Never stop trying to help someone get past difficult times even if it is in the smallest ways. Give them reasons to live. Remind them of upcoming concerts they want to attend or their dream career that is finally within reach. When I was feeling terrible one day, my best friend helped me make a list of things that make me happy. Now I carry around that list on my phone as a reminder that not only is there things that still bring me joy, but also that there is someone who cares enough to make sure I remember that. Suicide and depression are tough topics, I know, but they can’t remain ignored and pushed to the side. If you or someone you know is suffering, please get them help whether it’s just you talking to them every day or a professional therapist. Maybe even come to me if you feel you don’t have someone to go to. I am always available to talk because I understand the position you’re in. However if it is an emergency, never hesitate to call 911. A little help can go a long way, I’m a living example of that. Now I’m an ex-suicidal girl trying to make sure that no one commits suicide or ignores it.

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression or thinking of suicide please contact the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention.