If somebody told me three years ago that you would’ve turned out to be the person you are, I would’ve told them that they were crazy. You were the love of my life or at least, I thought you were. The way I felt with you was unlike any other relationship that I had ever been in. I could laugh and be myself with you. The good times were so good. They were perfect. Irreplaceable, honestly. Especially when you would tell me that I was the apple of your eye. Then everything changed.
You drank more. You started being mean. You would flirt with other girls right in front of me. We would fight more and you told me I was “crazy” and “making things up.” You would say things that, at the time, I thought you didn’t mean. You were just mad and I probably did something to deserve it. “Nobody will ever love you.” “Things would be better without you.” These words would cut me deep and make me hate myself. I would try to change for you. I changed so much about myself that I began to lose myself. By the end of “us,” I would look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at me. By the end, you weren’t just hurting me emotionally, but physically.
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All of this changed me and I turned into a person that I never wanted to be because of you. I became, as some would say, heartless. I didn’t care about anybody else because I didn’t want to let them in. I didn’t want anybody to see the mess I was. Nobody was allowed to see how broken I was about leaving the person who hurt me the most. Nobody was allowed to see that I didn’t know who I was without you. I felt like I was never going to get over it. Everything was going wrong and I didn’t know what to do with myself.
It took me months, but I ended up making the decision to go back to school. I needed something to take up more of my time. Because of this decision, I ended up reconnecting with some of my oldest friends and making new ones. I ended up filling my time with work, school, and things I enjoyed. Days would drag on and I would still get upset when I thought about you. You were still the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing before I went to sleep. As time went on though, I started to find myself again. I was learning things about myself that I didn’t know. I started laughing and smiling again, actually more than I ever did before.
Life was getting better and I had to make the decision to move on, but I never knew what lasting effect of what you did would have on me. It’s hard for me to let people in because I don’t want to be that vulnerable ever again. It’s hard for me to care about anybody because the last time I did, I ended up bruised and broken. I push people away when I think they’re getting too close. I flinch when somebody goes to hug me and they never understand why. Right now the only thing that will help is if I forgive you.
It’s been two years and that may seem like a long time, but it almost took me that time to find myself. I now know who I am without you. I know the people that I have allowed in my life will protect and love me as long as I let them. So I want you to know that I do forgive you for everything you did. I forgive you for hurting me. I forgive you for saying the things you said. I forgive you because if I don’t, this will just keep having a hold over me. You made me stronger when you thought you would make me weaker. I have risen like a phoenix out of the ashes and I have an amazing life now. I just wanted you to know that.
