To the parents who can't seem to get along, have already made their peace, or drag the past into the future:
Please think of your kids. It doesn't matter how old we are. Whether you're 6, 16, or 26, watching your parents turn against each other is the most painful thing. We love both of you so much, but what you don't keep in mind is that we are half of you. 50% of who we are comes from our mother and father. We are, physically, mentally, emotionally, and personally equal parts of each of you. When we see you argue, it sparks this internal war within us that hurts like no other.
I know it's hard to handle a failed relationship and heartbreak. It's hard to admit that the most important person in your life is not playing that same role anymore. That, in itself, is devastating. I understand that. We all do. But, first and foremost, you're a parent. You and your life partner of choice made a decision to bring a life into this world, maybe several lives even, as a team. We rely heavily on that teamwork for all of our lives. It's not just the first eighteen years that we need you. We need to know that we can count on each of you equally, be support by you equally, and loved by you equally. Sometimes, one parent doesn't seem to pull their weight in the team, or is battling demons on their own and can't contribute to their romantic relationship or kid-raising-team adequately. Sometimes families don't work out. We understand that. But before you decide to change all of our lives forever, or make things worse than they are, or speak ill of your ex-partner in front of the child you share: think about your children. Think about how we feel. Think about how our entire world is situated atop two boulders that are crumbling, while also being spread apart. We know how much you are hurting inside, but don't forget that we feel it too.
Research shows the importance of a two-parent household. Co-parenting, throughout a relationship and even after its dissolution, is imperative to the quality of life your children have. Terminating a relationship between parents is so much more than custody arrangements, two Christmases, and two bedrooms. It's being afraid to visit one parent while you have vacation time because you aren't able to see both. It's not knowing who to tell first that you're about to get married, yourself. It's the fear that one parent might not show up to your wedding out of spite. It's watching your parents cry and not being able to help like they did for you. It's having two sets of rules from two different parents your entire life leading to instability and insecurity. It's not being sure if you yourself an have a lasting relationship. It's living your life the same way for 45 years and then having all of your traditions change at the drop of a hat.
Please keep in mind that we love both of you and we want whatever will make you the happiest. We also want you to remember that your relationship includes more than two people once you bring kids into the world.
For more information on co-parenting, tips, graphics, and exercises, please visit https://coparenting.fsu.edu.
