Where can I even begin? I'm sorry that I've been so problematic, but it seems like Satan is stacking circumstances against me. If I've seemed aloof or just flatout like a hot mess, I'm sorry. There is a lot going on in my life right now, and I simply can't figure any of it out; I fast and pray, but confusion still washes over me. There are so many signs sent to me by God, but I can't seem to figure out how to make them less confounding. Lately, all I've wanted to do is listen to is gospel music and scream my prayers in my car, so if it looks like I'm crazy while I'm driving, I'm sorry.

Churches pass me by as I look for one that fits who I am as a Christian. Church service after church service, I attend and ask the Lord to anoint me with his spirit, but to no avail, I haven't felt him as strongly as I did at New Harmony Holiness. Maybe I'm quite simply just not as open to Him as I was before? However, I feel as if my prayer life has grown infinitely, and I know He is answering my prayers on the daily. Anytime I feel a hole in my resolution, I take it to God. It seems like all of a sudden, boys are into me, and I've got to stand my Holy ground when it comes to them; I even went as far as telling a boy, "not today Satan" when he tried to touch me inappropriately. I'm not falling into my convictions, but I still fail Him every day, and shockingly, He still loves me for it. I went a long time without God, and I dishonored Him so irreparably. Much to my confusion, He continues to bless me and allow me to do his Holy work. God is so uncomprehendingly merciful, and I feel as if people take that for granted — I know I have.

We sin — as it's part of our nature — and expect God to just forgive us every time, and He does, but there comes a point when God is going to stop going that extra mile to deliver you from that sin you think you can do over and over again. When you ask forgiveness after a deliberate sin you've committed and continue to commit, He isn't going to accept you into heaven. “Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able. When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are.” Luke‬ ‭13:24-25‬ ‭God is not going to wait for you when you've done nothing but forsakes him. Think about it, would you wait for someone like that either? Why should God make a special place for someone who never tried to turn away convictions when he has an entire universe of life to handle? The scripture says only few will enter heaven; it's called the narrow road for a reason! If you think it's evil to think of it in that way, you obviously need to study your bible for Isaiah 45:7 says, “I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things.”

God is infinite. He is God of all things — not only love and forgiveness. We need to stop thinking of ourselves as having a guaranteed spot in the presence of the Lord because we don't. Some pastors, people dedicating their lives to Him, won't go up in the rapture, and you think God is going to make a special spot for you, a person who takes his mercy for granted? One must fear God above all else because in the end, who knows where you'll go. People love to spew falsehoods of how God never turns His back on us, but those people are liars. God accepts those who give Him the glory in all they do, and He smites those who turn Him away in favor of worldly things.

When Lay My Isaac Down comes in over the speakers, listen. God is trying to reach out to you, to tell you to turn away your convictions, but He won't do that forever. It will come to a point where He will do to you what he did the the city of Sodom- throw you into pits of fire. Convictions are placed into your life by Satan, and giving into them only gives him power over you. Don't let the devil control you like a puppet! Turn to God, and tell Him all your worries and wrong doings; let God lead your life and strive to be on His narrow path.