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Health and Wellness

Letter Eight: Body Image

The mirror is my enemy.

Joelle Herman

May 26, 2017

University of Michigan at Dearborn

topsy one

Welcome to letter eight. I'm shocked you made it this far, to be honest. I would have turned back after four. But, welcome to this letter.

I have always struggled with my body image and reflection. I have to be perfect. How do I be perfect in a non-perfect world?

Growing up I have always been bullied about my weight. If it didn't come from school, it was going to come from inside my home. I was never happy with the way I looked. In elementary school I opted for the baggy shirt, and jeans look. I hid what I wanted to hide and that was okay for me. My parents promised it was "baby fat" and I'd lose it, but I never did. My dad would constantly make fun of how deep my belly button was or call me a whale or a pig.

I was always super ashamed of how I looked and by the time I was 12 I was already done with the way I looked. That's when the bullying really started. Who knew kids were so cruel in middle school? Everyone kept asking me if I was pregnant or just fat. Fast forward to high school...

I look "healthier" right? But I was miserable. I hated everything about myself. My stomach was the biggest thing I hated about myself. I have a dark secret about my weight in high school. I would consistently never eat breakfast, skip lunch, and eat a big dinner only to try and force myself to throw it up. I only threw up when everyone was asleep. My dad worked nights so it was easy to do at night. Or when I was at my mom's, I'd turn on the shower and just dry heave over the toilet for 45 minutes. I only thought about how perfect I needed to be. Kids kept asking me, still, if was I was pregnant and didn't feel bad when I said no. Fast forward once again to now...

Healthy right? No, I still despise my body. I started posting pictures to Facebook about my weight loss and the more compliments I got, the more I wanted to be smaller. I still want to be smaller. I want to be perfect. I need to be perfect. My friends would ask me "if you have your perfect body, would you be happy or find something else to be unhappy about?" Which in trade, is true, but I want to be skinny, I want to be like my perfect siblings. I want the horrible things said to me in my family to stop, I want to not be called a whale or a pig. With every comment I loose so much self-confidence and my self-esteem goes back into the toilet.

So thanks guys for fueling the weight loss, but I have a goal and that's to be the smallest I can be. I have a perfection problem, god help me.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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