June 27th 2014, the night I will never forget. Trust me, I’ve tried to forget it every day since then.

Cousins are supposed to love you. They’re the first friends you have when you grow up. They’re the people who you share the most holidays and memories with. You get excited knowing that they’ll be at family functions and that you’ll have someone to play with and talk to. I never expected you to take advantage of me and completely ruin me the way you did.

I keep asking myself if it really was my fault. I was drinking at a party and you were in town. You kept calling me and texting me because you wanted to hang out. I felt bad and gave you the address. When you got there, that’s when you saw how inebriated I really was. You kept rubbing my leg and hugging me and I just thought you were being nice.

I went inside to pee and when I came back outside, you told me that my best friend had left without me. That didn’t sound like Claire at all and I should have known better but again, I was drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. You helped me in your truck and said we were going to grandma’s. I said absolutely not and that I wanted to go back to my house. After arguing for a few minutes you finally agreed and said you would take me home.

I passed out in the truck and you woke me up telling me I was home. I stumbled out and realized we were at grandma’s trailer. I started to freak out but you said everything was going to be okay and I trusted you. I got really tired and I told you I wanted to get some sleep. You helped me in the bedroom, took my phone, and laid down next to me. I lost consciousness and I woke up from a burning, tearing sensation from my vagina. It was dark but I felt you on top of me, thrusting. I tried fighting you off and screaming but you covered my mouth with one hand, and put your other hand on my throat. I started silently sobbing and you kept whispering “It’ll be okay Kayleigh. You’re so tense and you feel so good.” That’s the last thing I heard before I passed out again.

The next morning I woke up and your arm was wrapped around me. Everything from the night before rushed back and I ran to the bathroom to puke because I was so disgusted. When I returned, you said you had to sneak me out so grandma wouldn’t see. The drive back to my house was silent. I immediately got in the shower and just kept scrubbing. The water was ice cold by the time I got out and I still didn’t feel clean. I broke skin everywhere on my body from scrubbing so hard for so long. When I checked my phone you sent me a text saying “Thanks for last night. Our little secret right”? I puked again.

I had to work that day and my supervisor ended up sending me home because I was essentially a zombie. I called one of my aunts the next day and she told me “Bad things don’t happen to good girls who behave”. She also said that you had already called and told her about it. You said that I wanted it. I wanted it...I still can’t understand that. How does someone want their own flesh and blood to take advantage of them and rape them?

I was raped before when I was 17. I thought that was the worst thing to ever happen to me, but I was wrong. This was much worse. I didn’t have the courage to tell my dad. His heart was absolutely crushed when I told him about when I was raped when I was 17. I couldn’t even bare the thought of him knowing one of his nephews raped his daughter.

My aunt beat me to the punch and when I got home later that day, my dad was sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me to tell him about what my aunt told him. Since he knew that I was raped, I thought he knew who had done it. I was wrong. When I said your name, he screamed to the heavens. He called you every name he could think of. I will never forget the way my father looked at me after finding out it was you. He held me as we both cried with each other. He told me if he ever saw you again that he would kill you. For some reason, I know he was dead serious.

I kick myself in the ass every day for not going to the hospital to get a rape test. I was afraid because I was underage drinking, and because you were family. I tried to kill myself multiple times over you. I wrote my dad a suicide note a few weeks afterwards. He called the cops and I had to leave work in the back of a cop car that day. The cop said I was going to spend 3 days in a mental institution unless my dad believed I would be okay, and wouldn’t try to hurt myself anymore. Thankfully, he didn’t make me go. My father made me understand that you are not worth it, and will NEVER be worth it.

I hated you for so long. You turned so many family members against me. You painted this picture for them that makes me out to be some horrible monster. But in reality, the horrible monster is you. You are such a sick, perverted, twisted fuck. I can’t even see my grandmother, or call her on the phone because you live there with her now. I’m not afraid of seeing you, or hearing your voice, I just don’t need to put myself through that. I don’t hate you anymore. I will always remember what you did, and I’ll never be able to forget it. I can’t say that I’ve forgiven you yet. It’s been 2 and a half years and I can’t figure out how to forgive your sorry, lame excuse for a man.

Honestly, I need to be thankful for the outcome. I’m not thanking you in the slightest, so don’t even try flattering yourself. This event strengthened my relationship with God in more ways I thought possible. I used to think I was ruined, but now? I am a freakin’ pistol. I am not afraid to say no to anyone, I am not afraid to voice my opinion, and I am not afraid of you.

I dare you to try again. I dare you to try to talk to me, or dare to even look at me. I promise, I will make you feel a million times worse, than what you made me feel these past 2 and a half years.

Wholeheartedly,

Kayleigh, The Cousin You Raped Because You Could.