I am well aware that Leviticus 18:22 states that homosexuality is an abomination. I can tell from your near constant persecution of my loved ones in the LGBTQ+ community, that you take the chapter of Leviticus quite seriously. However, I am having a bit of trouble understanding a few of these other passages. In fact, when I attempt to implement these passages into my modern, daily life, I run into quite a few dilemmas. All sin is equal in the eyes of God, right?

First off, I really like crab legs. They are honestly one of my favorite things to eat. However, according to Leviticus 11:10, eating shellfish is an abomination as well. Can one of you guys clarify this for me? If both Shellfish and homosexuality are equally abominations as expressed in Leviticus, must I torch every restaurant in downtown Charleston?

Also, my boyfriend is really great, in fact, he is a contributing factor to my shellfish addiction, but he insists on working on the Sabbath day. I have told him that it is clearly stated in Exodus 35:2 that he must be put to death, but he says he needs the money. He keeps getting his hair trimmed around his temples too, even though Leviticus 19:27 forbids this. Also, he really enjoys playing football, but according to Leviticus 11:6-8 touching the skin of a dead pig makes him unclean… Do I have to kill him? I really like this one… And his family is really great too.

His dad really likes to farm, however, he often violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two crops in one field. He also curses every once in a while too. His mom is great too, however, I can’t help but to notice that she often wears clothes made of cotton-polyester blend. According to Leviticus 24:10-16, this is all forbidden, and they must be stoned. That’s not legal here yet though, should I take them to Florida?

Also, I know that according to Leviticus 1:9, when I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, the odor it creates is pleasing odor for the Lord. However, my roommates claim that they are not pleased by the odor as well. Should I burn them on the altar instead? Plus, Leviticus 15:19-24 states that I am not allowed contact with any woman during her menstruation, but I can’t tell if my roommate has started her period yet. I keep asking her, but I think she is getting really annoyed with me. When I asked her to move out the week of her menstruation, she totally flipped out.

I have also been contemplating selling my first-born daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. Times are getting really tough, and as a university student, I am told that I should look for innovative ways to pay off my education loans, instead of being a whiny millennial and fighting for education as a free and accessible public good. I know the market has been fluctuating in the past 200 years, but what do you think I should accept as a fair price for her?

In addition, I have been looking for some help with chores. Between working two jobs to meet my basic living needs, and trying to stay on top of my studies, I don’t really have time for laundry or dishes. According to Leviticus 25:44, I may possess slaves from neighboring nations to help me out with these tasks, but I’m a bit confused as to who this applies to. A friend of mine says that President-Elect Trump will let me purchase slaves from Mexico, but not Canada. Can someone please clear this up for me? Why am I not allowed to own people from Canada?

You see, I have I have never had any problems loving my neighbors, in fact many of neighbors downtown have happened to have been homosexual, but It is obvious that the Laws of the Hebrew Bible were written under the influence of God, and of course God’s law is unchanging and eternal. However, if anyone is able to assist me in better applying Leviticus into my life, it would lift quite the burden.

Yours truly (and sarcastically),

An LGBTQ+ ally who doesn’t appreciate hypocrisy.

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