To my sweet angel,
Almost two years later and I still find it nearly impossible to wrap my head around the fact that you are gone. Reality finally set in when I texted your phone number and received a reply of, “Who is this?” Although terrifying and overwhelmingly heartbreaking, it was a valid question. I don’t really know who I am without you. I was you, and you, me. Never did I expect you to leave me half-empty.
It absolutely terrifies me to think that you were that sad. Every single time I looked at you, that beautiful and infectious smile shined so bright that I did not think there could have even been a glimpse of sadness in your life. That is what consumes my mind and scares me the most. To think that behind that smile and laugh I knew so well, was someone who was suffering in silence and was so incredibly sad that they felt the need to end their own life. I am so sorry. I am so sorry I did not see it. I think about that all the time. I find it extremely difficult to forgive myself for not seeing it. We always checked in with each other though. Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe there were signs, but looking back you disguised this dark part of yourself so well; you were always such a great actress.
I have come to understand that time certainly does not heal all wounds. Although it is not as hard as hugging both of your heartbroken parents and distraught sister the day after you left us, the words your crying father whispered into my ear that day haunt me every now and then. The numbness has dissipated and the good memories definitely weigh out the bad. I try to think about all the amazing times I was fortunate enough to spend with you, and when I feel sad sometimes that seems to help. Never did I see your parents this way before though, and I basically lived at your house. Never did I think I would be walking into a hotel room to find three incredibly strong human beings seem frail and hopeless. Never did I imagine your father hugging me for five minutes, crying on my shoulder and whispering in my ear, “You were her best friend, she loved you so much,” over and over again until he was able to catch his breath. Never did I think our plans to hang out the day after you left would be changed from us standing together hanging out and talking in your kitchen to me standing next to your casket. Never did I imagine this to be you, my love. Never did I think you would be gone.
I hope you are genuinely happy now. I hope you are looking down and are proud of me. I don’t really know how Heaven works, but I hope you wake up every morning with that big smile spread across your face for you, not for anyone else. I hope you are happy for you. I hope you continue to be your goofy self, continue to dance fearlessly, continue to find solace in the feel and sound of rain, sugar cookies, and binge-watching "Gilmore Girls," "Project Runway" and "Top Chef." I hope you continue to eat sprinkles straight out of the container with a spoon, you weirdo, and continue to talk so much, God’s ears get sore. I hope you live the life you have always imagined. I hope you find your new life beautiful.
What keeps me going is the fact that I know I will see you again someday. The fact that I know we will pick things up right where we left them. The fact that I know you will be greeting me at Heaven’s gates with a glowing smile on your face and open arms. I cannot wait to see you again. But until then, I hope you find your new life beautiful, you deserve every second of happiness you feel up there. I miss you so much and love you more than you know.
See you soon my angel. Love,
Your best friend
