Dear Generalized Anxiety Disorder,*
I've been working up the nerve to write this letter. I think it's about time for me to really speak my mind, once and for all.
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You've made my daily life practically impossible to carry out. You stand behind me every step of the way: making me paranoid, making me feel like nothing is safe. I can't step outside my room without my mind racing about the day's events. I walk across campus and I can't help but worry what people think of me. Sometimes, I feel like I can't go out at all because you make me so insecure.
Even in class, I can't help but think that I've done something wrong: like I'm not prepared for the class that day or I missed something. You are always making me feel left out. You distract me and make me miss important details, giving me selective hearing. You embarrass me, make me feel like I'm the stupid one, like I'm wearing the poorly made wool sweater in the middle of summer.
I can't help but feel that you want me all to yourself. You are so selfish. When I'm down with my classes, all you want to do is sleep and be antisocial. You are the one that drags me to my bed. But I miss my friends. I haven't seen them in days... I want to go to the gym and play volleyball but for some reason you won't even let me do that. Maybe it's because you're the insecure one.
Then, when we do go out you make everything so awkward and tense. You make it hard to meet new people, making me think, "They probably don't want anything to do with me." Everyone else tells me to branch out but for some reason, I trust you more. Maybe because you've been with me since the beginning, the only thing that made sense.
But things are different now. I'm not struggling to get out of bed anymore. I'm not hoping for plans to get canceled so that I can be by myself. I want to change. I want to be social and take chances. I want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. I don't want to worry about little things anymore. I just want to be free.
You are a part of me but you are not me. I know I can't get rid of you, I can't abandon you. But you are the reason that I'm forced to hide who I am without you. I wish I could tell you goodbye and have everything be okay but I know better. No matter if you are here or not, the anxiety, the fear won't just disappear. You'll always be part of who I am.
All I'm asking for here is a little bit of space. Let me go. Let me grow. Let me live. And for goodness sake, let me be me.
Sincerely,
Nothing but truth
*Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things.
