I've felt broken basically my entire life. I didn't grow up seeing a healthy relationship between two people that love each other. My parents got divorced when I was five. My father wasn't a consistent figure in my life. He was in and out of my life until I made the decision to cut all ties with him when I was 20. My mom and I didn't develop the mother-daughter relationship I wanted us to have until I was about 16 or 17. My father got remarried when I was a preteen, but I didn't consider that a healthy relationship or a relationship I looked up to because I wasn't around them enough to see what their relationship was like, but even when I was around them, I knew that there relationship was not something that I wanted for myself in the future. My mother got remarried when I was 19. At 20, I don't know how to be in a relationship with anyone but myself. I've never seen a successful long lasting healthy relationship in my household. I've never had a successful long lasting relationship. Of course, I've had boyfriends, but thinking about it now, none of it seemed really real to me. The longest I've ever been in a relationship is six months and that was on and off, so I don't even know if I consider that real. I think three months in a relationship is hard, forget about three years.
When I think about marriage, I'm not sure that that's something I can see for myself. When I think about kids, I definitely can't see that for myself. My friends have even joked about me being the last one to get married and honestly, I'm not even offended by that because if I do choose to get married someday, that will probably be the case. I'm not sure if I can really see myself in a long lasting relationship with someone I'm in love with and someone who is in love with me. I definitely don't think I can myself as a mom. Is marriage something I want someday? Maybe, I think so but I'm just not sure if it's something that's in the cards for me because of how deep my trust and commitment issues go. I've always been my longest commitment. I've always been the most consistent thing in my life. When things get hard, I tend to walk away. I walk away because I would rather be alone than ever argue and fight to keep the relationship going. I walk away because I believe that at some point, the relationship will end anyway so why not save myself the heartbreak and deal with it now before it gets too deep. I'm terrified of another person having complete control of my emotions. That's what relationships do. You're going another person the power to hurt you, but you're hoping they don't. I'm good on that truthfully. I give up on people easily. I don't fight for people to stay in my life because even if I do care, I don't want them to know that because I don't want them to think that I need them....because I don't. I allow my pride to take over. When someone is trying to show me that they care about me, I'm not really sure how to react to it. I push them away rather than embracing them because I'm not comfortable feeling for them how they feel about me. Everything that I've mentioned are things I've realized about myself since I've turned 18. These aren't things I knew about myself as a teenager, but honest to God, I kind of wish I had.
It's funny. I can commit to someone, but I'm afraid of commitment. I can act like I'm your girlfriend, I can do girlfriend things for you, but I can't imagine myself being your girlfriend.
Everyone has always been temporary. I've been in relationships before, but at this point in my life, at 20, I can't see myself in a relationship. All my life, I've only had Courtney as a consistent participant in my life. I raised me. I built me. I made me who I am. I had to figure most things out for myself. I've had to learn to love myself. I've had to teach myself never to settle for less than what I want and deserve. However, I never taught myself that it's okay to be vulnerable. I never taught myself that it's okay to love and be loved in return. I never taught myself to embrace love with open arms because the experience could be life changing. I never taught myself that it's okay to open my heart to someone and to embrace the experience whether it ends up good or bad. I'm not even sure I know what love is. I think I've been in love, but I'm not sure because the feeling is really confusing to me. My entire life I have blamed my parents for my commitment issues, but I can't put the blame on them forever. I'm not a little girl anymore. At this point in my life, I also feel like I have to take some responsibility for my actions. If I want to grow and become person, I have to start making changes and start being the kind of person I would want to be with. I mean, let's be honest, I'm the whole package, I'm just annoying. LOL. But I'm serious. I know what I bring to the table. I know what I have to offer. I know my worth. But I'm not going to invest myself into a person that's just going to waste my time. I'm choosy af. I'm so picky because my biggest pet peeve is having my time wasted. When I start talking to someone, I always tell them don't waste my time. And honestly, no shade to men because it's not all of yall, but a lot of yall can't handle that type of honesty. A lot of yall can't handle a woman who knows what she wants at 20.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against being in love. I think love is a beautiful thing to see in other people. My mom was the happiest I've seen her my entire life on her wedding day, it brought me to tears. My best friend has been in a relationship for three years and I can tell she's really happy because her face lights up when she talks about her man. My grandparents have been married for almost 70 years. I know love is possible, it just takes the right person and as dramatic as this may sound to others, I don't know if there's a "right person" for me not because of my past relationship experiences, but because of who I am today. But who the hell knows, only time will tell.
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