This is less of an article and more of a journal, because I just can’t get my head straight this week to write about anything else. I’d much rather be writing “My Definitive Ranking of My Favorite Jonas Brothers Tunes”, but I just can’t seem to do it. That’s what’s so funny about depression. Sometimes you can’t even get yourself to do something you want to. Sometimes there’s not even motivation to do what you love.
If you look up depression in Google images, you get a bunch of black and white pictures of people with their head in their hands. While, I've done my fair share of putting my head in my hands, depression isn't black and white, or even Eeyore blue. It manifests itself uniquely in every individual. To me, it's red. I get crazy irritable. Little things set me off. I curse at inanimate objects and get angry at people I love. I hate it.
Right now, everyone I know is going through a rough patch with their mental illness. It’s that time of year when people have four projects due in one week, on top of work, internships, and extra curriculars. We’re all stressed, and that’s prime time for mental illness to rear its ugly head.
I have more things on my plate right now than I ever have and sometimes, like now, it’s hard to manage, let alone manage it with a voice in my brain telling me I’m not good enough. Usually, dealing with my depression isn’t too bad. I remind myself that I am doing my best and my best is great. I employ tactics like giving my depression a persona, as I learned from Katya. But sometimes Brenda (the personification of my depression) just let’s me have it when I’m already struggling. I know when it’s bad because she hits me where it hurts.
My greatest passion (and also my biggest insecurity) is songwriting. I know I’m going through a time when suddenly I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing as a songwriter. I think that my songs are bad or I have nothing of worth to say. Today has been one of those days. I don’t really know what to do about it, if I’m being honest. My brain is too scattered.
So, I’m writing this with the hope that it will make someone feel less alone. I have little to offer but my story and a word of advice: talk to someone. Opening up is difficult, especially when you can’t pinpoint exactly why you’re feeling the way you are. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. Like, I’m writing an article about my depression. 8th grade me would be SHOOK.
