Can we just take a moment to appreciate every single mother who has ever conceived, carried, and birthed a child?? Every single one of you are angels and deserve an endless supply of diamonds, vacations, coffee, pedicures, puppies, tacos and all of the other amazing things this world has to offer. Seriously, pat yourself on the back.
As if sharing your body with someone else, and literally having someone feed off of all things good wasn't enough, we also have to push that person out of our lady parts. I know all pregnancies are different, but my little one was a monster while she lived inside of me. I spent 9 months with my head in a toilet. I couldn't wait to get her the heck out of me. As I got further along, and began losing control of my bladder as well, I began peeing all over myself while I threw up. So that was fun. I couldn't even get mad at my dog anymore for having accidents cause she literally just watched me pee all over the floor too. I couldn't let my dog think I was a hypocrite, right?
The last month of pregnancy consists of sleeping, running into everything, hating everyone who is having their baby before you, repeatedly saying "nope, no baby yet," and thinking every last thing is an indicator of labor. I seriously am considering printing my google history for my baby to read someday, so she knows not only the totally random things that my body went through to grow her, but also how desperately I wanted to meet her. I'll be honest, I got lucky and wasn't as ginormous as some mamas get, but I still gained 60lbs throughout my pregnancy (after I had lost 20lbs in the beginning). I felt like a hippopotamus. And if you didn't know this, hippopotamuses are actually not cute little chubby animals, they're actually one of the most aggressive and unpredictable animals in the world. That was me, pregnant.
When I finally was ACTUALLY in labor, everything became a blur. I was 40 weeks on the DOT. (Mama's girl is punctual just like ME, God bless.) My water broke. It wasn't like in the movies, though. I don't think any of those women had underwear on because it wasn't like my vagina became some commercial grade squirt gun that shot through my clothes. But it was a significant wetness. Like I uncontrollably pissed myself, but in a different way than I had done a thousand times while pregnant. I felt like I was in the twilight zone as I got dressed, and stared at myself in the mirror. "So.. I guess this means I'm going to have a baby today." (Yeah right, after 21 hours of labor, it was actually the next day.) You'd think I would be in a hurry and panicked and what not, but I moved like a snail. I think I was scared, more than anything. For the first time in my pregnancy I kinda hoped she would just stay in there.
I got to the hospital, after I drove myself. I wasn't having contractions but can I still get some mom props for that? And BECAUSE I wasn't having contractions, I STILL had to be induced. After all my walking, pedicures, spicy food and nipple stimulation, I STILL couldn't avoid being induced. One of the first things they ask you when you are in labor is what kind of pain management you're hoping to use. My answer was "I don't want an epidural. I want to try without." As Dwight from the office would say, "idiot." By the time they started pumping Pitocin into my body I was begging them to shove a 7cm needle into my spine. What they don't tell you about epidurals is that you're not totally numb. You still feel pressure. I associate pressure with pain because I'm a big ole baby.
Once it was time to push, I shot back into the twilight zone. Everything around me moved in slow motion, and I was wishing it would speed up and get over with already. Anyone who knows me knows I am absolutely obsessed with my husband, but as he casually glanced at the little TV playing Friends, unfazed by pain in between my contractions, I kind of hated him a little bit. At one point, I asked if he could take over. Apparently, not possible????
Everyone says how beautiful and natural childbirth is, and I couldn't have had stronger feelings DOUBTING that as a 7lb 9oz baby slid out of me. What was beautiful however, was every moment that followed. I was still in a fog (or drugged, one of the two) but my heart was overwhelmed with the amount of love that poured out of me and into my sweet baby girl. I went from hating my husband, to loving him so much more than I ever have before because he had given me the most amazing gift I could never deserve. I had completely forgotten everything this little turd had put me through. She could do no wrong. The sound of her fresh screech was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. When I peered into her wandering, curious eyes I knew I would go through it all again a million times.
Now everyone focuses on the awfulness of the actual childbirth that nobody tells you about the awfulness that follows childbirth. Sure, it was great to not have a period for nine months, but you're going to bleed enough for all 9 periods after the baby comes out. Mama, your baby ain't the only one in diapers. And if you tear, yes, TEAR from hole to hole, taking your first poop after having the baby might even be scarier than actually having the baby. Enjoy your new reconstructed asshole, ladies. Your hospital stay is frustrating because every time you finally get all the visitors out of the room, and your baby to sleep, and think that you might finally get some rest, a nurse enters the room and bellows the word "VITALS!" You also will enter a new hormonal rollercoaster which hits harder than it ever did on any period or pregnancy. If you are like me, you will uncontrollably sob in the middle of the night and have absolutely no idea why.
It isn't all bad though. The meal you eat after pushing out a baby, will taste better than every Thanksgiving dinner combined, no matter what it is. The hospital also provides some pretty BOMB underwear. (make sure you steal as much of them as you can before you go home) Having a baby was also the fastest, most efficient diet known to man if you leave out the part that pregnancy is the reason you gained so much weight in the first place. And of course the best of all, you have an adorable baby that is impossible to not absolutely adore. She will look at you with her big eyes, and you will see that you are her entire world, and now she is yours.
When I was younger when asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, I always had the same answer. I wanted to be a mom. Despite all of the times I balled on my bathroom floor telling my husband he is never getting laid again while I wipe puke from my mouth, despite the many sleepless nights before and after the baby arrives, and despite my physique being completely destroyed and the many tiger stripes that now cover my body… helping my daughter enter this world is by far my greatest accomplishment and I would do it a thousand times over again. The start of motherhood is often rough and rocky, and I don't expect parenthood to be any different, but the love that fills my heart outweighs the trials by the trillions. I wouldn't have it any other way.
