"I'm fine."
"No, I'm just tired today, that's all."
"Really, I'm okay. It's just stress."
These are only some of the lines I've used to cover my tracks. It really is amazing how much you can hide when you try hard enough. I'm not talking about lying so much as I am pretending. As in pretending to be fine. Pretending to be okay when you're really the furthest thing from it.
This isn't supposed to be a PSA or one of those cliches. I'm writing this because in the time it could take you to read this article, one person could die from suicide. And I could have been that one person last Friday night.
It's not an easy subject to talk about, but I feel as though it's something that should be talked about more. While I applaud movies for taking on the effects that bullying has in relation to suicide, I can't help but notice the lack of another issue. The fact is, most of the time it's not other people who are causing us pain – we truly are our own worst enemy.
In my sociology class we looked at a suicide study, and the statistics made a lot of sense to me. Women are more likely to have made suicide attempts (as opposed to actually completing the act in full), but males have a higher percentage of deaths by suicide. The percentage of college aged individuals has increased in the last 5 years and the people who are most likely to commit suicide are those with low social interactions.
That last statistic really hit me, because even though I have wonderful friends, I still felt so alone. Like no understood what I was going through. What makes it worse is when the people you usually turn to are the ones that cause you harm in the first place.
The scariest thing for me was that while I am by some miracle still sitting here, I wasn't as afraid of losing my life as I was people not knowing that I had. So if someone were to ask me: "What was running through your mind? Weren't you afraid to die?" My answer would have been: "No, the thing I was most afraid of was people not knowing that I had."
The events of last Friday night could have turned out way different for me, and while I'm glad it did not become a completed act, I couldn't help but wonder how my family wouldn't have at least wondered what I was doing.
I don't blame them. But I do think that more people should be aware of how others are acting, thinking, behaving or doing. I know my own personal signs of depression, but others may not. You have to be vocal about it, but your friends and family should be informed too.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or has considered suicide, you should have them call a confidental talk-line, like this one: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 which is available 24 hours a day/7 days a week. If you need more information about warning signs for suicide or depression, you can click here: Warning Signs of Suicide | Depression Signs and Symptoms.
Remember that you are not alone.
