For me, and I can imagine many of you, it can be very difficult to fully let your guard down and be comfortable with someone else, particularly in relationships. I know I have a hard time with commitment, that more often than not get scared. I look for some reason to back out because I'm too nervous to be let down, and at times for it to work out. It's easy to get caught up in the fears and to let them control you. But what I've come to realize is doing that will only hurt you and let you down.
With friendships and relationships, I have always had a difficult time fully being myself at first. I have a guard up, no matter how hard I pretend not too. I overthink everything, literally everything. I know I do this, but it doesn't make it any easier to not do it.
With every relationship I've had, they start out good, for the most part at least, but once things start to get more serious, I freak myself out. I look for little things to harp on, to worry about. I retreat back into myself and then it just gets awkward. When it gets to a point where I need to let my guard down, to have to trust someone else, I have a hard time doing that. And maybe it's because I've been hurt before, with friendships and relationships, that I have a hard time opening up at times. If I don't feel completely comfortable, it's hard for me to just release my inhibitions and truly be myself.
With any relationship in life, you have to just be yourself and deal with the consequences if they arise. And often times it's worth it. When you have that special moment with someone, where you can laugh until you cry, when you can reveal things that are close to your heart, when you can talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, those are those priceless moments that make letting your guard down completely and 100% worth it.
As I've gotten older, I've slowly begun to realize it's ok to slowly get comfortable, to be myself, just as long as I do that. The fears I have about commitment are only holding me back. And I don't want anything to hold me back, not when there's so much to experience out there.
I have grown a lot. I've become more comfortable in my own skin, with who I am. I still struggle with confidence, which is the root of a lot of my commitment issues, but I now realize that it's ok to be scared, to get those butterflies, as long as I don't retract. I need to embrace them, to embody who I am and live in the moment. That's the only way to make those relationships last, to be genuine and special.
We only get one shot at life. I refuse to waste another second because I'm scared. I want to embrace every moment and experience them fully.
