Last week I had decided to venture to the beach alone, its becoming almost like routine lately, but this time around my mom and my little sister wanted to tag along. I was sitting on the sand watching my little sister play by the water. After some coaxing she got me to stand there with her. I'm not a fan of swimming at the beach, simply because I don't know how to swim. Not because I never wanted to learn, I tried, and for most of my younger life I even took swimming lessons. It wasn't until I almost drowned a couple years ago that I became a little afraid of the water. I guess I had decided from that point on, there was no need to learn how to swim.
As I was standing there with my sister watching the waves come in, I thought about jumping in the water for the first time in a long time. Then I wondered .. who would save me if I started to drown again? It was then that I realized, I felt that I had been drowning for about a month now. I mentally kept feeling like I was drowning and there was no one there to save me. No matter how many times I came to the beach to "clear my mind," It wasn't clearing anything, I was still getting worse. I was waiting for someone to pull me out of the water and save me. Then I realized the only way I can stop drowning was if I stopped waiting for someone to pull me out of the water. I needed to swim. Even if that was alone. Swimming alone is scary to me. Life is always more fun swimming with others but no one can save you from drowning. You have to save yourself, even if others lend a helping hand. You're the one who has to decide to swim. .
As I walked back to my spot on the beach, the bottom of my feet were burning from the sand. Bare feet and hot sand are not a good combination, but it reminded be that being vulnerable hurts sometimes and that's okay. It took a long time for me to realize that. It still takes me a while to be open and vulnerable about things. Especially since I have a tendency to shut the world out when I need people the most. Sometimes you get burned but it's ok. Even though the burning sand hurts your feet, you can't let it stop you from going to the beach. Don't let things in life make you put walls up to stop being vulnerable. Sometimes being vulnerable will get you far in life and help you learn more about yourself in the process.
I'll always envy those with the ability to truly look at themselves and evaluate how they feel about things in life. It shows that they are stopping to get to know themselves a little better. They are brave enough to face how they feel about situations in life rather than ignore it. People who evaluate how they feel are not scared to swim alone, even if they fear drowning. They wont let the burning sand stop them from going to the water. They run and learn along the way. That's what gives them courage. The ability to be vulnerable and brave enough to face their own internal fears to come out stronger in the end.
That day at the beach was a good reminder of the little things I had learned this year but had forgotten so quickly. Two gentle reminders from the beach that someone I love used to tell me too made me realize what I needed to do.
