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I Haven’t Had Sex In Over 2 Years, And This Is What I’ve Learned

Musings from your favorite neighborhood nympho.

Madeline Thomas

Oct 21, 2020

Ohio University

15291

I Haven’t Had Sex In Over 2 Years, And This Is What I’ve Learned

Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

1. You do not NEED to be having sex.

I'm hoping most people already know this, but I just wanted to remind everyone that, contrary to what our society says, you do not NEED to have sex by a certain age or in a certain setting (i.e. college). Having sex will not solve all of your problems (crazy, I know) and it does not somehow make you more mature or more like an adult. It's just not a necessity, no matter how much people may try to pressure you into it.

2. Masturbation is GREAT.

I'll be honest, I wouldn't have survived this quarantine without my trusty vibrator. Whether or not you have sex toys, watch porn, or read erotica, I promise masturbating will release some of that pent-up sexual frustration you've been feeling. Plus, it's a great way to get to know your body and to figure out what feels good to you for future reference. Just because don't have a partner doesn't mean you can't reach that big O.

3. It’s OK to be jealous of other people having sex.

Sexual frustration is totally normal, and so is jealousy! It can be really hard to listen to your friends' recount all of their sexual encounters if you're not getting any. If you don't want to hear the play-by-play from your friends' latest dick appointments, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking them to keep you out of the loop for that. Your sexual encounters will come eventually, and until then it's normal to envy the lucky people who are getting it on.

4. You will eventually get laid again, I promise.

If you're like me and are going through a bit of a dry spell, don't fret! There are many ways to get back into the swing of things, all you have to do is put the time and effort into it. There's nothing wrong with shaking things up and finding new a new partner, as long as you're safe about it. Or, if you're more like me, you can always go online and figure out what your next "treat-yo'-self" gift will be for when you get a little too lonely at night.

You can still be a sexual person without having sex, believe it or not. If you haven't had sex in a while, it's completely fine, trust me.

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I Haven’t Had Sex In Over 2 Years, And This Is What I’ve Learned

Musings from your favorite neighborhood nympho.

In This Article:

1. You do not ​NEED ​to be having sex.

2. Masturbation is GREAT.

3. It’s OK to be jealous of other people having sex.

4. You will eventually get laid again, I promise.

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Sleepovers are not a thing. They're just not.

1. You only ask things once.

2. Seriously, you only ask once.

3. When you do muster up the courage to ask your parents for something, you creep around and wait until they’re in a good mood.

4. Before you get that final yes, you have to go through an interview.

5. If you ever got “the eye,” you knew you were screwed.

6. You were always the first to leave your group of friends when hanging out.

7. If you say you will be home at a certain time, you better be home at that time.

8. Seeing a missed call from your parents sends fear and horror through your veins.

9. If relatives are coming over to the house, your room better be clean.

10. You are careful about what jokes you share with your parents.

11. "You’re not an adult until you turn 18! You can do whatever you want then!"

12. If plans change while you’re out, you better text or call.

13. Don’t talk back. Ever.

14. When you’re called by your full name, you’re in deep trouble.

15. Don’t make them call your name twice.

16. Sleepovers are not a thing.

17. Despite all of these things, you know your parents love you.

For better or for worse

1. Pets

2. Mornings

3. Mistakes

4. Cooking for yourself

5. Hosting

6. Taking care of yourself

7. Holidays

8. Roommates

9. Keeping focused and getting stuff done

10. Cleaning

11. Social life

No, really. I'm not mad. Just hungry.

1. You’re tired of people asking you if you know what “RBF” stands for every time you zone out.

2. You’re constantly using the excuse, “I’m just tired” when people ask you if you’re mad.

3. Or “I’m just thinking.”

4. In fact, you’re rarely ever actually mad.

5. But when you are, people usually can’t tell.

6. You find other people with RBF’s and have to convince yourself that you don’t look like them.

7. You constantly remind yourself, “At least I’m not a psycho.”

Some of your best ideas come through boredom.

1. If the professor is late by one minute, I'm leaving.

2. Oh crap, that's due TODAY?!

3. Can I nap in here?

4. I wonder what they're serving at the cafeteria.

5. How much does my teacher even get paid?

6. How much will I get paid?

7. This is the longest 50 minutes of my life.

8. Maybe if I call mom, she'll give me money.

9. How much do street performers make anyway?

10. Why am I here? I could be a street performer by now.

11. Oh right, I'm not talented.

The Belchers hold the key to a better life.

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1. You do not NEED to be having sex.

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