As I sit here in room 4309, watching my Dad lay lifelessly on the hospital bed, taking his last shallow breaths of life, I think back on my time with him. Nineteen years worth of memories, inside jokes, still shots, and talks run through my head. We found out this past June that my Dad, Tim, who turned 65 in June, had stage four lymphoma cancer.
The word cancer is scary to hear when the doctor tells you the news, but we all knew if anyone could beat it, it would be my dad, the stubborn old Irish man who always had to be in control. Leading up to his diagnosis, we knew things weren’t right. He developed shingles around March of 2013, which later developed into postherpetic neuralgia. The Mayo Clinic’s definition of postherpetic neuralgia says that it affects your nerve fibers and skin and the burning pain associated with it can be severe enough to interfere with sleep and appetite. Currently, there is no cure for it, but there are treatment options to ease symptoms, and it may improve over time. My dad tried every treatment for it, but his pain was so severe on the right side of his face, neck, and back, that none of it worked.
For the past few years, Dad wasn’t feeling well, and we all attributed it to his neuralgia. But this past May, we found out that Dad had been bleeding internally. Long story short, one thing led to another, and we found out he had stage four lymphoma cancer. This led to many oncologist visits, many hospital visits, a surgery, and me watching my Dad’s health continually decline. When this was all happening, I was able to be with him, but because I had to go back to college, I wasn’t able to see him often, due to my busy schedule.
I found out that he had been taken to the hospital and he just wasn’t getting any better. He was battling an infection due to his weak immune system, he had a fever of 104, his red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelet counts hadn’t been at normal levels for five weeks, and they figured that even if he did live through this infection, the cancer would consume him, since he wasn’t strong enough to have any more chemo. So after a lot of adult decisions, we decided to move my incoherent father into hospice. All the nurses gave him about 24 hours to live, but they don’t know how strong my Dad is.
So far, it has been 48 hours. This has been the hardest process I have ever had to watch. I want to breathe for my Dad, I want to take on his pain in some way, but I can’t. Bringing someone into this world takes just as much time and effort as it does for them to leave. I wish no one had to ever experience cancer or watching a loved one slowly die from it. I pray that those who do experience the horrific process feel God’s comfort, peace, and presence throughout the situation. Now, this has been an etremely short version of what I've been through, but I want to share some life advice I have learned from this.
Be nice to EVERYONE. Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about.
In the summer when I had to work, take a class, live in a hotel (due to my house being remodeled), and take my Dad to run errands and visit doctors, I became depressed. I just felt sad all the time. Nothing was making me happy. God gave me the gift of joy, bring depressed wasn’t normal for me. Everything just occurred at a bad time, and it was hard for me to find the joy between work, school, not being home, and my Dad’s declining health.
I would have days where one little thing would set me off. Someone would make a rude comment that I would have normally brushed off, but instead, during this time, I took it to heart. This made me realize that everyone is fighting a battle that you may not know about. If the man in the truck cuts you off, think about where he may be going. He may be hurrying to the hospital, or he may be rushing home to take care of his sick wife. What about the rude waitress? Maybe she has had a bad day because she found out her brother was diagnosed with MS. Maybe she is struggling with school. We don't know. We are all in this journey of life together, so let’s remember that everyone has struggles, and let’s do our best to help.
Be forgiving.
I had my fair share of arguments with my Dad (mainly because we disagreed on religion and politics) but I tried to never hold a grudge. Sometimes, it was hard to be forgiving, because I felt like my beliefs had been attacked. Now, I am glad he challenged my beliefs, because it made me even stronger in my faith and opinions.
Looking back on those arguments, I realize how dumb they were. I wish I had been quicker to forgive and forget. Life is too short to be mad and angry. In the big scheme of things, stuff like that doesn’t matter.
Life is short.
I know this is SUCH a common phrase, but it’s true. I remember that my Dad would talk about death so casually. “Oh, I’ll be dead, just cremate me. What will I care?” I first thought, "Well, that’s insensitive," but then I thought, "that will be so far away from now anyway." But it wasn’t. All of a sudden, death was knocking on his door. Though it is hard to understand just how short life is, think about it, because time flies.
Don’t get caught in the routine of ordinary life.
We all have a routine that we have to abide by–get up, get ready, go to school/work, come home, go to bed. Although we have to live this way, try to cherish every special moment. Take lots of pictures to supplement your memories. Take videos so that you can have a record of how your friends and family sound. Do things you wouldn’t normally do. Just don’t waste your life. Make good choices, because they will serve you well. I have seen what a slew of bad choices can do to someone, and it is heartbreaking. Be intentional with your life, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Death can mend relationships.
This past week, I got to see three different families come together. Not only did they all spend hours upon hours upon hours with each other, but they enjoyed it. It’s funny how it works, but death can really make enemies into friends.
God will reveal to you why it had to be this way, whether it’s now or later.
During these past few days of watching my Dad suffer, God revealed to me why it had to be this way and why my Dad’s life panned out the way it did. Do I wish it had panned out differently and easier? Yes. But it didn’t, and that’s okay, because His reasons are much better than anything I could have planned.
God will NEVER give up on you.
My Dad was raised Catholic but rejected the faith when he was in high school. As long as I have known him, he has openly denied that there is a God. My prayer for him for the past 19 years was for him to know Jesus. I have tried to exude God’s love in my whole life so that, just maybe, I could be an example for him. I have debated Christianity with my Dad over dinner numerous times.
When my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, I tried to evangelize to him again— this time a little more explicitly. “Dad, don’t you want to see your parents again? Don’t you want to see me again? Logically, if you just believed for the heck of it, you would have nothing to lose." After an hour of talking about it, he concluded that he hopes I am right and that we could be together again, but he basically agreed to disagree. As his health has drastically declined, he has been covered with prayer, and so many people have come to talk to him about the Lord. I found yesterday that about a month ago, my Dad wrote a eulogy for his brother Bob, my uncle, who had just passed away. At the end of the eulogy my Dad wrote:
“Bob is now resting in God’s hands. He fought the good fight and did the very best he could. That’s all God asks of any of us. Knowing Bob, though, I have no doubt that he's probably scheming with God right now to crash some heavenly event! We’re happy you’re at peace, brother. It’s going to be a hard transition for those you left behind, who loved you so very much. Give mom, dad ,and Pork [his sister] a hug for us until we can all be together again.”
Never in a million years did I think my Dad would ever even acknowledge God, but he did in this eulogy. I think my Dad’s rapid health decline was the final straw. God has been telling him “Tim, I’m not finished with you. You still have time to come to me. It is never too late.”
In process of writing this, my Dad took his final breaths and died peacefully with those he loved by his side. Right before he left, I told him that it was all going to be okay and that he could see his family again. I fully believe that he gave his heart to Christ in these last few days. This gives me all the hope in the world. One day, I will rejoice with my father and other family members in the presence of the Lord. God can take the hardest of hearts and bring them to Him. A nurse in the hospital told me that “God is good. All the time, God is good.” And she is right. God has a plan for us all, and nothing is done by coincidence. I understand why my Dad was brought to his knees. God was NOT finished with this stubborn old man. God loves us all and wants us all to come to Him, and He will relentlessly pursue a relationship with us.
So friends, hold on to those you love. Be forgiving. Be kind. Know that time is precious and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. God will never give up on you, no matter how long it takes. He will bring you to your knees before He brings you to His throne. And remember, God is good. All the time, God is good.
