I had to take a harder look at myself today because I did not realize that the little green monster peeking over my shoulder took over. It is difficult to have to think of yourself as being not as great as you thought you were. Truth is, I would have never gotten off my high horse if I didn't talk to a good friend. She made me see the situation from a perspective different from my own.
I have a growing sense of empathy, which may also be why I have the tendency to be too nice. Being nice all the time is exhausting, but I find myself motivated to behave the way I think they want me to behave rather than just be myself. I thought I outgrew the phase, but I might just be stuck in a perpetual cycle of being nice and then being disappointed as a result.
People ask me what I think and I resist being too forward with my opinion even when they really show an interest in hearing what I have to say. Just the other day in my creative writing workshop for my writing fiction class, I had a peer say something hurtful without hesitation and no care for how that would affect me. I remember looking at him and thinking how do you not see how you just offended me. But of course, the number one rule of the workshop is to have an open mind and focus on how to be better even when the criticism may not be what you would like to hear. Also, the writer can't speak during their workshop, so I bit down on my lip until it the layer of skin peeled away and when it was over, I said nothing. I don't know why. I knew what I wanted to do but I didn't act on it.
Then today, I found myself upset that my friend was praised for work I could not appreciate. Yes, we are friends, but I take my writing seriously. Writing is secondary to her. She is a theater major in an English class with me. As an English major, I love writing with all my heart, and seeing her come in without any passion for it and being praised for work she didn't spend as much time on as I had really got to me.
Green is not a good look when it's a vibe you're giving off. I had to rant to someone else about my indescribable feelings. I am competitive but that's usually my motivation to do well. I realized why I felt the way I did. I never really thought I might be jealous of my own friend.
She asked me why I didn't leave notes behind on her paper. She was hoping I would since I'm very attentive to detail. I responded with a partial truth.
I learned a few things today:
