After receiving an Oscar nomination earlier this week for his role as fur trapper Hugh Glass in "The Revenant," Leonardo DiCaprio is poised to fulfill a lifelong dream: winning an Oscar. Shortly after the nominations were announced, anonymous sources leaked the following email exchange between DiCaprio and his agent Howard Blaugh.
FROM: howard@blaughagency.com
TO: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
Leo,
Congrats on the Oscar nom! Much deserved, of course. I’ve talked to some friends in the Academy, and a lot of people think you’re gonna win this thing!
I know this is very exciting for you, but we need to capitalize on this momentum and figure out your next step. Get back to me ASAP!
Howard
FROM: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
I WANT THE TINY GOLD MAN
I WANT TO KISS HIS FACE
I WANT TO NIBBLE AT HIS EAR
OSCAR OSCAR OSCAR OSCAR OSCAR
Much love,
Leo
FROM: howard@blaughagency.com
TO: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
Leo, I know you’ve wanted this for a while, but it’s best not to get too caught up in the award season hype – just focus on lining up your next role. I have some intriguing offers from several high-profile directors!
Howard
FROM: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
My only role from now on is HUSBAND OF THE GOLD MAN.
Every night I will cook him a tiny gold meal and take off his tiny gold coat when he comes home and say, “How was your day, my beautiful gold husband? You are the most handsome little man, and my lips get so cold when I kiss your bald head.”
I would also like to play Garfield.
Warmest regards,
Leo
FROM: howard@blaughagency.com
TO: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
Are you okay, Leo? I don’t want you getting too carried away with this Oscar thing – remember when you tried to fight Bruce Dern in an IHOP parking lot in 2013?
You’ve done a lot of prestige period dramas lately, but I think audiences would love to see you show off your lighter side – something classy, like a David O. Russell joint. A lot of respected actors have also been playing villains in superhero flicks. Maybe something to consider?
While I admire your willingness to try something new, I’m not sure Garfield is the right fit for you. Frankly, an actor of your stature can do better than a voice-over role.
Howard
FROM: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
The gold man doesn’t like superheroes. He likes sad movies, he likes movies about old people, he likes movies where white men with beards yell at other white men wearing vests about truth and honor and my son, and maybe something about the environment. I have made a tiny throne on my mantle for the gold man to sit, and I will fight a thousand CGI bears until it is occupied.
The gold man also likes when it is hard to make the movie – it shows that I have earned his love. Therefore, I will undergo extensive plastic surgery to become Garfield, both onscreen and off. We will shoot in the middle of the Bermuda triangle, and I will contort my disgusting cat body into whatever grotesque and humiliating positions the gold man desires.
The gold man will be mine, and all will be right in the world.
Oscar Oscar Oscar,
Leo
FROM: howard@blaughagency.com
TO: oscarbaby622@earthlink.net
Scorsese’s onboard for "Garfield: Monday's Reckoning." We shoot in the Bermuda triangle next month.
Howard
