Dear Parents,

Thank you for your constant support in everything that we do. We know that our going to college was probably one of the more challenging things you’ve had to deal with in recent years, aside from our teenage selves. We now recognize that hormones are a very real and scary concept, and are happy you now understand why we refuse to produce grandchildren for you.

We also want to thank you for ever so subtly hinting at the fact that we’ve gained the freshman 15. Although we may not be extremely insightful, we know that our faces couldn’t possibly have changed so much as to make us look “different” from when you last saw us. And yes, we also realize that these shopping trips aren’t solely to spend time together, but to find new clothes that fit our newly rotund figures.

As far as drinking and doing drugs goes, don’t worry, we’re not as close to rehab as you might think. That said, it would be much appreciated if you took the wine and snack foods out of hiding.

Above all else, you might remember that in college, the closest form of parental supervision that was supplied was RAs — older college students who may or may not enjoy partying as much as the freshman they oversee. In other words, there were negative amounts of supervision.

The perks of being unsupervised include but are not limited to having no curfew. We know we should be home somewhere between 11 p.m. and 5 a.m., so no need to wait up.

We want to thank you for the meals you provided us with for the first 18 years of our lives, and we apologize for taking them for granted. You taught us well in the food department, for our experiences at home helped us to differentiate between real chicken and the “chicken” that was served to us at school.

You taught us well, but we would prefer for you to look at us as the adults we believe we are, and not the chubby babies we once were, regardless of the fact that the chubbiness still stands.

Love,
Your Real-World Bound Legal Adults