They say college is a place to find yourself. Luckily for me, it was a place for my dormant manic depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive, and post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms to finally show themselves... all at the same time.
Leaving the nest and starting fresh without parents or friends from home can be stressful, so it's no wonder my mental health took a turn for the worse, even as I made amazing friends, met amazing professors, and attended the gorgeous Saint Mary's College at Notre Dame. College is supposed to be a center for fun and academics, right? Right. It's also where thousands of students, like myself, come to realize that they might have bit off more than they can chew. The change in pace and environment, the stress of doing well in classes and maintaining a social and family life - it's enough to make anyone go crazy. But just how crazy can college get before all that crazy makes you go insane?
My freshman year of college, I was so excited to be out of the house. I even moved in a week early just to get a feel for the campus. I was thrilled to be attending Notre Dame's sister school and I was proud that all the hard work I'd put into high school had paid off. One month into the semester, I moved out of my double and into a single. That's where my OCD symptoms began to take off. I couldn't leave my room unless it was absolutely spotless. Everything had a place and needed to be IN that place before I even dared to leave for class. The longer this went on, the more morning classes I ended up missing entirely due to my obsession with cleanliness. The anxiety from missing classes and having to meet with professors for coursework also began to catch up with me. There I was, brimming with excitement one minute, and having a breakdown the next because I couldn't dig myself out of the hole I'd gotten myself into. A lot of students experience this type of anxiety on a daily basis. For me, it came to a point where my depression spiked and my mood was too unstable for me to function normally, which categorizes a true mental disorder. But I kept going.
By finals week of second semester, I didn't think I could do anything anymore. I'd failed a class, not done too well in my other courses, my friends couldn't handle my mood swings, and even my professors had some choice words for me about my class attendance (or lack thereof). I'd made a fool of myself, and I cried every night that week, telling myself I was a failure and that I didn't deserve to be around people that could function better than I could. One night, I told my partner I wanted to die. I remember how that felt - the utter hopelessness and loneliness of giving up entirely and wanting it all to end. My partner called my friends at school and, one by one, they showed up to my room and cried with me, assuring me that I'd be okay, that I wasn't so different from the rest of them after all. Still, even after I went home, it would seem I'd packed my disorders along with me.
Going into sophomore year, I was already in a heightened state of anxiety over how the year would go. I moved into a quint with my four best friends and they all immediately noticed a significant decrease in my mood. All I did day in and day out was sleep and complain. I went out more on the weekends, missed more and more classes during the week, and became engulfed in a pattern of desolate lows and insatiable highs. I'd been having nightly existential crises for weeks when I finally told a friend just how I'd been feeling - not much better than I'd left off freshman year. In fact, I was way worse than I still want to admit. I told her that I still wanted to die, that I thought about it every day. Around that time, my PTSD symptoms joined the party, too. I'd have nightmares and flashbacks about an assault that took place two years prior and I'd cry and cry until I had to be consoled. Or I'd cry and cry to myself under the covers nearly every night while my roommates slept. I'd restlessly go meet up with different guys and experiment with different substances until, one night, when I was back at home, I decided to never go back. Ever. I was instantly hospitalized in a mental health facility and realized just how terrible the state of my mental health really was. It meant not being able to go back to school even if I wanted to because I needed time to stabilize on different medications. It meant having to leave behind an entire community of friends and peers to rehabilitate myself because I wasn't able to function normally. It meant, and still means, feeling left behind by those still attending the four-year schools they started off in because I just couldn't make it. It got too crazy. I got too crazy.
Being mentally ill in college is not a crime.
I ended up staying at home and attending a junior college to finish up my GenEd courses at a pace that works best for me. I only take two courses a semester, work part-time, and actively participate in my own recovery. It's still a work-in-progress, and I am by no means "all better" and ready to move back to a residential university. Most of those reading this might be reading it from the comfort of their dorm rooms, which is what's so amazing about the college community. It isn't partial to just one type of student. It can't be; there are hundreds of thousands of us, each with our own backgrounds, strengths, and illnesses.
I understand now that what's happened to me is not uncommon in those my age. Tons of young adults have to deal with so many changes and face so many different realities that sometimes, it just becomes too difficult for the individual to go on any longer while being exposed to what may have made them so vulnerable and sick in the first place.
What I want other students to know is this:
Do not take your mental health lightly. If you fear that you may be struggling with a mental disorder, or know someone who is, please consider getting professional help. Even though you can't see what's wrong, or you think that others in the same position as you are handling things fine so you should too, take a second to reevaluate. Chemical imbalances and circumstances are common factors in developing mental illnesses. It isn't your fault. Please, please remember that it isn't your fault. You're not broken. You're a perfectly whole human being and you may just need some extra care. That's perfectly okay. You're not alone and sometimes college just isn't the best place to be to take care of yourself. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not allowed to take a break and be home with your loved ones in order to help YOU put yourself in a better position moving forward. No one knows you better than you know yourself, so respect your boundaries and put your health first.
