Here's a triggered thing to put on the internet… I left my mega-church. I have left mainstream Christianity behind and I'll tell you exactly why but first I'll tell you about my history as a Christian. For as long as I can remember, I've been a Christian and to this day, it is still such a huge part of my identity.

But I didn't grow up in the church; I wasn't the pastor's daughter who led a youth group in a tiny church.

I grew up in a tiny town in the center of the Bible belt and I knew that every church around was the typical conservative, evangelical church. I was raised in a broken household that had if it resembled any religion at all, threadbare touches of Christianity tying it together.

I always knew that there was a God and that I needed to say my prayers at night before bed but that is the extent. My grandma has told me I was saved at her house at eight years old but I don't remember it in the slightest.

I really dove into religion in my early teens when my life changed a lot. I read my Bible and watched Christian YouTube channels but yet I never found a church. Every time I had been in church before, it felt so artificial.

And that's not to say the people there were awful or anything close to it but I never felt God when I went to church. That all changed when I visited a mega-church when I was visiting family in a much larger city. In this church, I truly felt energized and encouraged to live my life for God. And for that, I truly am so thankful.

Henceforth, I vowed to attend that church when I moved away to college and lo-and-behold; I did. I went for about a month but never really felt called to get involved; I didn't want to join a life group or volunteer in childcare or anything resembling service. I can't really explain it but something really didn't seem right.

And then the 2018 midterm elections rolled around… Right after I had gone to a rally to stop Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation to the Supreme Court, I went to church and the pastor publicly endorsed Josh Hawley for Senate.

And the crowd of conservatives went wild, and I knew that my time at this church had ended. I left church feeling discouraged because to the best of my research, this church had remained fairly unpolitical and seemed very "new-age".

In retrospect, I had just not researched enough because mere weeks after I left, the pastor released a sermon that went viral about the fact that yoga is an evil practice and that Hinduism is demonic.

As someone who is very liberal, I knew that I couldn't reconcile staying in an environment that publicly endorsed someone who was the exact opposite of everything that I so fiercely believe in.

I really had to battle with myself and God for a while because although I do not believe you have to go to church to be a "good" Christian, I longed for the community that a home-church could bring. I knew in my heart that I was meant to be an active participant in a congregation but at every avenue, the door was being shut in my face.

Little did my heavy heart know that the church that God had for me was just a few weeks away from making an appearance in my life. As a whole, I am very skeptical of the Evangelical church and I don't usually identify myself first as a Christian. And that is not, in the slightest, because I am ashamed but because I refuse to be associated with many of the problematic narratives that mainstream Christianity promotes.

These narratives are particularly obvious where I reside in southern Missouri. I refuse to discriminate against LGBT+ people, black + brown people, immigrants, people of other religions, or anyone at all. In my eyes, Jesus did not tell us to love our neighbor only if they are worthy.

The love of Jesus, and therefore, our love was not designed to be conditional and yet mainstream Christianity goes against this principle at many fronts. As you can tell, my past with organized religion has been quite the journey and I truly am thankful for every step because I wouldn't be where I am today without it.

So if you're not a fan of mainstream Christianity just know that you're not alone. I never really believed that I would find the affirming space that I needed but I'm telling you, it's worth the wait.