As July faded into August and Summer drew to a close, I began to pack for college.
With a sentimental heart and as many cardboard boxes as I could carry, I entered my childhood bedroom, which felt more like a shell I was growing out of with every passing day. I looked around the room and felt a twinge of panic that I forced myself to swallow. At that time, college was this ever-present cloud that had loomed over my head all summer. I knew I should be excited for this new chapter, but a flood of college horror stories and well-meaning warnings were rushing at me as my move-in date drew nearer. Still, when people asked me how I felt about going off to college in a matter of days, I forced a smile and answered with a convincing, “I’m so excited!”
I began to place all of my belongings into boxes with shaky hands, positioning them carefully and strategically so that everything would fit. I packed my clothes and my shoes, my pillows, towels and sheets, and even a few small stuffed animals that I couldn’t part with. I packed stacks of books and a brand new journal. I packed my makeup and my toiletries. I packed cleaning supplies and laundry detergent, wall décor and storage containers, and about two hundred pictures of the people I held close to my heart. When all of that was packed away, taped and labeled accordingly, only one box remained.
In that last box, I packed my insecurities. I packed my fears and doubts about the future. I packed the fragments of my heart that had been broken in high school, middle school and even grade school. I packed the memories that made my chest ache when I thought of them. I packed my shattered trust and my damaged pride. I packed all of the negative words that had been thrown my way in my eighteen years and the voices of those who said I was worthless. I packed anxiety and vulnerability. I packed the countless regrets that littered my mind. I packed the hatred and shame that had grown in the deepest corners of my heart. I packed a vile of all of the tears I had wasted on people who never cared about me. I packed all of my burdens and failures. Finally, I packed self-loathing, making the box so full it barely closed. Even though it was my smallest box, it was by far the heaviest. I labeled it “my flaws” and when move-in day arrived, I hauled it down the stairs and placed it in the trunk of my car before warily setting off towards my future.
After my family left with a heartfelt goodbye, I wiped the terrified tears from my eyes, made my way back to my quiet dorm room and began to unpack. My clothes went in the closet, my sheets went on my bed, my toiletries went in the bathroom cupboard and my flaws went back inside of me, where I had carried them for eighteen years.
After a few weeks of school, I realized something was wrong. While the rest of my peers seemed open and liberated, I was walking around with a weight on my heart. I was closed off, depressed and filled with panic as all of those tales of unbearable college experiences were quickly becoming my reality. I went back to my room and searched through all of the discarded boxes for happiness, hope, my outgoing personality and my ambitious nature. I hadn’t brought any of those things. Instead, I had filled my boxes with to the brim with my shortcomings. No one else had brought their shortcomings to school, to their new and improved lives. I was living with the weight of the flaws I should have shed on graduation day, and it was ruining my chances of starting over. So, I packed all of my flaws into that box and I threw them away. I didn’t need them anymore.
Don’t carry the burdens of your past to the new chapters of your life because they will only hold you down. College is your chance to start fresh, to leave your shortcomings behind you, and that chance will only be given to you a few times in your life. Why waste that chance by placing limitations on yourself? This life is short, and your college years will be even shorter, so shed your flaws while you can and start living to the best of your ability. And, when you’re packing for the start of the rest of your life, remember to pack lightly.
