As we all are aware, life is this fun little game we were thrown into and can never escape. It is living up to expectations. It is failing to meet the mark. It is realizing what you excel with an understanding that you can't do everything. It is working with limitations while trying to break through the barriers anyway. It is staying up late smoking weed, drinking until your soul comes up, and sleeping next to someone who makes you feel whole...or maybe they just make your body feel better. Whatever floats your boat.
Life is trying to make every deadline and beating others, and making mistakes that have every potential to fuck you entirely up for the next 5 minutes, 5 days, and 5 years. And the best part? We never know when shit could straight up hit the fan and it seems like life itself is worthless. But then there are days when the sun is bright and the clouds are floating, and it feels like nothing could ruin the simple moments.
There are days when I wake up in major pain and my boyfriend is right there ready to wipe my stressed tears and support me. There are days when all I want to do is run wild, but I remember that I have to take this time to heal and rebuild my strength. There are days when all I'd rather do is sleep but I have responsibilities to take care of. From all this, I am learning to be more patient with myself after ironically boldly pushing myself to go further than I had. It cost me a good bit of skin but I earned my scars and now I have some hilarious stories to share going forward-- though not without some disapproving glares. But those don't bother me.
As long as I am smiling and still moving around by myself, then I know I will be alright. I have to remind myself daily that I can go as far as I push myself but to give myself a break and let myself breathe. Knowing who I am, I have always been notorious for doing 1,000 things at one time and then becoming stressed over them all plus five more. I know this isn't the smartest or most efficient thing to be doing to myself, and I admit to working less on not doing it in the recent past. I am not ashamed, to tell the truth, I am just very very fatigued.
My grandmother always tells me to "take a pearl and make a necklace". What this means to me is to reflect on every moment and every day, and take something away from it. Living with a broken collarbone has been a very reflective experience for me. Learning to be dependent on someone everyday for just about everything has been the biggest challenge. I am a very independent woman.
I have never liked anyone doing anything for me if I could find multiple ways to accomplish MY task-- even as an elementary school kid, group projects were not my thing. Not being able to use the right side of my body for two-and-a-half weeks now forced me to become dependent on everyone I knew it seemed like-- my boyfriend most of all. And everyone it seemed was more than willing to help me.
I know to some this may seem like a "why is she bothered by this??" kind of thing, and for the record, I'm not bothered, just not used to the feeling is all. I'm not used to having everything done for me for the most part. Tying my shoes, bathing, putting on clothes, eating, writing, typing-- and to make matters more restive, I am a RIGHT-HANDED ART MAJOR! There is never, and will never be a moment when I don't need both of my hands to do something related to my field of study.
However, coming into the studio and seeing just how much my professors are willing to help me to accomplish the projects, built my trust up that things would work themselves out.
Yes, my collarbone makes each day difficult in a new way but the amount of positive energy I receive in studio, from my job, at home with my boyfriend, and from my friends makes each day another healing experience. I reflect on this every day. I take a pearl and string it onto the necklace, and smile at how beautiful it is becoming. I am learning to slow down, count my blessings, and to not put a time limit on life. Life goes on, and it isn't a race.
Shit could hit the fan tomorrow and then be better than normal the day after. I could lose everything in a matter of seconds, but I am learning to instead of having a pity party and crying about what ails me, take a pearl and make a necklace. Reflect and Understand and Keep Moving Forward. Looking back does nothing, and time is relative. Each moment is and will be different so why wish for an old feeling to return?
