Growing up, I had and still have many insecurities. My weight, my height, the fat under my neck, the sound of my voice just to name a few. The older I got, the more difficult it became to love myself. As time passed, I drove further and further away from this point of self- love until I reached my breaking point. At my lowest, I hated everything about myself. My days were dark, filled with self-hatred, depression, sadness, and loneliness. This is the story of my journey towards loving myself and the steps I took to get here.
I reached my breaking point during my second year of college. My days were dull and nothing made sense. I began to see myself how others saw me and was constantly worried about what others thought of me. Basically, I wanted to die. I no longer had the motivation to live. I was at a constant battle with myself. I began to self-harm after being clean for 3 years. I pushed everyone away. I lost interest in myself, in school, in life. Nothing brought me happiness. Until one day something did.
YES, this is going to sound VERY cheesy. But, in the end, this is what makes ME happy and what brings ME joy, so I don't care what others think. During a very dark winter last year, I had a very deep conversation with one of my good friends from high school. He told me, "You have got to stop feeding yourself this mindset that there is nothing good in the world. You need to stop giving yourself a hard time. Find something that brings you joy and surround yourself with positive people. The most important person in your life that you must learn to love is yourself." It was during this moment that I sensed a want to change in myself. It was during this moment that I stumbled upon 7 boys that bring me so much happiness.
When 2018 began, I made a promise to myself to change. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting to be so sad all the time. I started to go outside more and became less active on social media. I developed a love for a band named BTS, a band that advocated for self-love and taught me to love myself, faults and all. I leaned on my friends more for emotional support instead of keeping everything bottled up inside. I began to smile more. I began to love myself more.
In a way, I like to believe that BTS saved my life. Yes, I know that sounds like something any typical fangirl say but it's true. BTS was and is the only artist that has ever told me to love myself. Through music, they should me that true love begins with loving yourself.
BTS' Leader Kim Namjoon (RM) addressed the UN on Monday. In his speech, he said something that I hold near and dear to my heart and I hope you take these words and process them. I hope they help all of those out there struggling to love themselves, the same way these words have helped me, " Today, I am who I am with all of my faults and mistakes. Tomorrow, I might be a tiny bit wiser, and that'll be me too. These faults and mistakes are what I am, making up the brightest stars in the constellation of my life. I have come to love myself for who I am, for who I was, and for who I hope to become."
