This time last year, I thought I was going to die. Heavy sentence, I know. But I did. Wracked with anxiety and sadness, I trudged through life and school, the stress keeping me going while at the same time making me miserable.
Now, the point of this isn’t to say that my life is perfect now that I’ve learned [insert whatever life lesson here] and have gotten to the point of seeing perfection in life. Because it’s far from that easy.
I’ve kept journals for years, and when I read what I wrote this time last year, it doesn’t even feel like myself. I was crippled by what was going on in my mind. I really don’t want to go into detail, so I won’t, but I will say that around late February with the help of those who loved me, I was able to get out of the bottom of the hole I was in.
That took time. I wasn’t immediately that happy kid who pranced through the halls of my high school, or who tried to stand out from the crowd. I’m not even there now. But I have learned from this journey, and I’ve learned a lot. The most important thing that I think I’ve taken from my high school past is the importance of living in the moment with full awareness of the future.
I used to try and ignore the future- it was scary, stressful, and generally overwhelming. I used to focus on the past, wondering what I could’ve changed, what I should or shouldn’t have done; I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. Lots of kids are like this. We experience this crippling, draining experience in different ways. And, for me, it was too much to handle. To get passed this point, I had to learn to look at what I was doing at that exact moment.
As a perfectionist, I had to learn that I didn’t actually have to ace the exam to be a good person. And, I didn’t have to look fantastic every day to have people accept me. And, I didn’t actually need a single peers’ approval. I didn’t need to be what anyone thought I had to be. I was my own person. I ammy own person.
By focusing on the moment, I was able to ground myself. By grounding myself, I was able to see the bigger picture. Even though I didn’t know what was coming in the very next moment, I still had the power to learn from it.
By being comfortable with the present, I grew to accept that the future wasn’t terrifying. By the time I was ready to move away from home to university, I was emotionally prepared. I was nervous, but ready. I felt that I was making a decision that was right for me. And, it was.
Because I learned to focus on the moment, and live in that moment, I was able to accept the future. It did take me a long time, and there’s no way I could have done it without support from those around me. But because of this, I’ve been able to keep living, and I’ve seen what hopefulness and happiness can bring. I see so much potential now.
Life is full of potential, happiness. Even on a bad day, I’ve started to learn to focus on how there are always moments to be happy about and grateful for. No, I’m not perfect at this (is anyone?!), but there are good things that we still have access to, even in the worst of times.
Look at the moment. Live in the moment. And if you can look at where you are right now, and see some good in it, the future might not seem as terrifying anymore.
