My entire life, I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem. There has not been a day in my life where I didn’t feel ashamed about the way I looked, the way my body looked, anything about me physically. In high school, it only seemed to grow worse. Suddenly, I was surrounded by girls that looked nothing like me and friends that looked nothing like me. I struggled with that a lot.

Everyone around me was skinnier, prettier, smarter, nicer, an all-around better person than I was. I hated myself. I hated myself for being fat. I hated myself for not being able to lose weight fast enough. I hated myself for not being attractive enough for boys. I was in a really bad place mentally. I started to grow accustomed to these thoughts going around in my head. It became my new normal. The older I grew, I started to accept the fact that I’m always going to be like this.

I started to think that no one would ever love me for the way I look or the way I am. I became obsessed with the idea of perfection and the idea of pleasing everyone around me, everyone except the most important person, myself. I became very good at hiding my personal struggles from the world. I didn’t want to seem weak or vulnerable. I didn’t want to talk about my issues out loud. I let all my thoughts build up inside me until one day I had enough.

My freshman year of college was probably one of the hardest years of my life yet. My life seemed like it was going out of control. It became extremely difficult to balance everything I had going on in that moment and I became depressed. I became numb. I was sad all the time and it was emotionally and mentally exhausting. I didn't get excited about anything, and I started contemplating suicide a lot more. So, I decided to buy a journal. Little did I know, how important this journal would become to me. I would write down anything and everything I was feeling. I confided in my journal. It was a form of therapy for me. I started to talk to my friends about my personal issues a little more and grew more and more comfortable with myself. This year, has been a very important year for me. I grew in more ways that I could imagine. I’ve overcome so many obstacles that I never thought I could face. But, if you were to ask me what saved me more than anything, the answer is simple, it’s God.

I grew up in a Catholic home. I’ve always believed in God, there is no doubt in my mind that he is real. He lives in my soul, he is the center of my world. However, I haven’t always had the best relationship with him. I don’t go to church every Sunday, I don’t read the bible, I don’t pray as often as I should. I take many things for granted and can sometimes be greedy. But, by letting God in, and letting his word be my guide, I’ve slowly started to feel less insecure about myself. Every day is a new challenge, but with God and his great strength by my side, I face each and every day, head first.

I’ve started to accept the fact that I am beautiful, in my own special way; That someday, a man will come into my life, a man worthy of my love, a man that brings out the best version of myself. I've started to lose weight for myself, not for everyone else, and I've turned exercise into a healthy way of living, not a forced lifestyle. My journal writing has become my stress reliever. I’ve learned to open up more, not to bottle everything up inside. I've began reading the Lord’s word, and it has changed my life. Each day that passes on I become a little more comfortable with myself than the previous day. I am in a way better place, mentally than I was 4 years ago. 4 years ago, I could’ve never imagined making it to the place I am today. I’m a human being. Nobody in this world is perfect. Everyone has struggles and makes mistakes. There’s a certain bible verse that has helped me in many times of need and it goes, “Be Strong and Courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord, your God, will be with you, wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9.

I am nowhere near would I would like to be, in this journey I’ve taken in learning to love myself and at the same time building a better relationship with God. But, I would like to thank all of the people that have helped me make it this far in my little personal journey. To all my friends and family, that never stopped believing in me, your courage and strength is what has helped me keep going and what helps me continue to keep going. This path, is still a work in progress, but now more than ever, I am closer to the finish line.

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression, Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.