It seems as though when we go through stages in our lives, everyone goes through them at the same time. Not just one person can do something, it happens in spurts. But, I mean, there always has to be at least one outsider, right? You know, that one person who struggles with the fact that all of their friends and people around them are doing the same thing, while you're well, not. Where am I going with this?
I feel as though we've all heard about "cuffing season" at this point in our lives, or at least millennials have. Honestly, its not something that I ever really believed in. But I've learned that it exists and it is very very real. And yes, I am the outsider, but I promise this isn't going to be one of those typical "I want to find love" mushy gushy articles. So please, don't stop reading now.
Recommended for you
Lately it feels like ALL of my friends and even people I don't know that well are starting relationships with significant others, and if they're not just starting, they're in one thats long term. But it all happened at the same time. One day everyone was single and then BAM.
Don't get me wrong, I am so indescribably happy to see my favorite people so happy. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little bit jealous in the beginning. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard listening to them talk about how happy they are with these new people, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't tug on the heartstrings a little bit more than others with some. I realized everything at one time.
The little group I'm so used to will be growing, I have to learn to share, and my time with people is going to be different. Will it affect our friendships? Of course not, not with these people. Does that feeling of being forgotten and left behind that I have felt so many times before come back? Yes. And yes, I also know feeling that way is stupid and that it of course is not going to happen with these people I am so close to, but, it has happened before, so yes it is a fear that stands.
But as I sit here in a booth in our dining commons here at school, writing this, alone, headphones in, I'm realizing that I have always been alone until I got to college. My comfortability with being alone lessened when I got here. I like to be alone, but it happens less often and I have to make sure I have that time - and I don't always get it.
So no, I am not telling you that I want to find a significant other, and I am not telling you that I am lonely, and I am not telling you that I am stuck in a rutt where everyone has someone but me. But rather, I have realized that I need to be comfortable with being alone again. My goal is to find that place - to become as independent as I once was. No its not a bad thing to rely on people, but lately I've been more reliant than I should be. Am I going to turn away from people? No. Of course not. But I know that you can't be with someone if you don't know who you are on your own, and I need to find that person because I lost her a long time ago.
As of now I am going to start doing things for myself. Working out, eating healthy, school work, loving myself again - I am doing them because I know that I will benefit greatly, not because I think I need to be a certain way for others. I am finding my way out of the dark depression that I have fallen into. I am physically and mentally finding that healthy place again. And if that means staying away from the parts of my life that contributed, then at least for now, so be it.
I am learning to be lonely again. The healthy kind of lonely. And I am really excited to see the outcome.
