For a long time, I didn't realize the importance of communication until halfway through high school. Most of my upbringing was me wanting to be heard and no one ever really listening. I remember counting down the days my senior year of high school until I was able to move away from home. I was so excited to escape the bedroom I had hid in for so long.
Words are powerful. Emotions are powerful. And they affect me to no end. I remember getting so disappointed every time I'd tell certain people what meant most to me and I wouldn't get a reaction I wanted or no reaction at all. I learned that people were, in a nice way, disappointing. I know now that everyone is not the same, but for a long time, I was shown that people didn't care.
It's hard enough for me to understand my own emotions after years of pushing them away and out of mind. It wasn't until an overwhelming semester and a flood of emotions that I realized I can't just shove them out of mind. Out of mind, out of sight had stopped working and all that was left was to face them.
I would love to know what it's like to be able to not overthink every little interaction or every little word. I would love to know what's it's like to not have anxiety for one day. I would love to know what it's like to breathe easy through any interaction.
I'm insecure in the way people think of me. I'm insecure in the way people talk to me because I believe there's an agenda or there's a lie in there somewhere. It's a fault, but something I know exists. I feel like I've given enough attention to it and know the work that has to be done. I know the time that will need to go into it. And I'm thankful for the darkest time in my life to be the slap in the face I needed.
Now, I know to acknowledge and reaffirm my feelings. But it's hard for me to cater to other's feelings, not because I want to, but because I grew up being ignored. I grew up learning each time I was excited or sad or hurt that I wouldn't be heard because every time I voiced anything it was pushed to the side.
If I was writing this a year ago, I wouldn't look at the bright side. I wouldn't look at how I'm given a chance to rework myself for the better. It's a tough journey, but I'm here for it.
