So, you want to learn a TikTok dance. You contemplated it for days, trolled the app for the perfect dance that is not too hard but impressive enough to be worth your time and emotional commitment. You watch it on loop a minimum of 5 times and are confident you've "got it". You roll off the side of the bed as you fling yourself into the upright position. You take bounding leaps to the bathroom, position your phone and press record. The music starts, and…all you see is a crestfallen face staring back at you.
Oh you can't relate? You're a naturally talented dancer who can watch a TikTok dance once and execute it flawlessly. Kindly, click off. This is NOT for you.
I've never been a natural dancer (although my brief stint as Napkin No. 3 in my high school production of Beauty and The Beast might lead you to believe otherwise). I've always had the right attitude and the wrong body proportions. My dancing face is a double chin and my tongue pursed between my lips…in my head it's a sassy "attitude-y" dancing face but the video playback tells another story. A simple body roll with the best intentions manifests as a hokey pokey style "shake it all about". Picture painted?
My boyfriend's daughter is 8 years old and super into TikTok. She's a really good dancer and has much better rhythm than I do (even in my head). Naturally, impressing an 8-year-old who couldn't care less about me is a top priority and thus, the "Savage" saga began.
Download Tik Tok
Have you seen the reports about Tik Tok being used to obtain personal information from our devices? But like, isn't that what Facebook and every other social media platform does anyway? Does China really care what I'm doing? Whatever…download.
Peruse the App for the Perfect Dance
"Siren Challenge"…ok that looks super easy. Hand on shoulder, other shoulder, up…nope, my hips can't do that. Oooh here's a tutorial for "Savage". It's meant to be! "Savage" it is.
Watch on Loop...Over...and...Over...and...Over
Ok, I definitely got it. 1. Fight me 2. Pelosi clap 3. Side, side 4. Break your hip 5. My arms can't do that 6. My butt doesn't look like that 7. Oh God, I'm behind 8. Jazz hands on your head 9. Damn it, I forgot this part 10. Stand and stare at the camera with a dejected look on your face until the music stops. F**k.
Pep Talk
I can't do this but I'm going to get more emotionally invested anyway.
Attitude Adjustment
Ok, if I'm not going to do it well… I'll do it funny like I know I'm bad but I'm so self assured I'm going to post it anyway. I'm like, so ironic and quirky.
Focus on the Parts I CAN Do
I gotta play to my strengths….there's a reason I'm so emotionally invested and have sunk 45 minutes into this, it's an important life lesson and this dance is a metaphor for my quarter life crisis. Ok, I got the Pelosi clap (legendary), I got the jazz hands and I got the…um…the…ok, just smile and bob up and down…everything's fine.
Employ Some Help
This is not nearly as embarrassing if I do it with someone. No one has to know I locked myself in the bathroom for over an hour and broke a serious sweat trying to learn a dance to make a video that literally no one will watch (yikes, this sounds so much worse when I admit that's exactly what happened). I asked my boyfriend and he gave me a look that can only be described as a resounding f**k off.
Doing My Best!
I did it! It involved a lot of "effects" to hide my mistakes, a generous filter to blur my sweaty forehead and rosy cheeks, and about a two and a half hour commitment last Thursday night. I sent it to my Mum and she actually left me on read. After a painful 22 minutes I got the response "I'm sending this to the whole family, we haven't had a good laugh since your flailing napkin dance. Thanks Kenz".
Not only did I sleep really well that night after burning about 1000 calories, but I came to the realization that lack of natural ability, poor rhythm, flailing limbs, and questionable facial expressions doesn't make you a bad dancer…it makes you a "Savage" who dances anyway.
