I called him back. I decided to build up the courage, and press on his name on my phone's screen. As I listened to the phone ringing, my heart was so silent. “Hello?”
One of the most pivotal moments in my life, a time where I decided to throw away the crutch, and that was to finally let go. I never knew the amount of impact this had on me, and if I knew it from an early age my life would probably be a little bit smoother, not perfect, but smoother. I remember I decided I was going to do a spiritual fast. I needed something. I didn’t know what it was as that moment, but my heart felt extremely heavy. I think I started off with a three day fast where I only drank water from sun up to sun down. After, I chose to fast every Sunday for about two months. I had the hardest time. I mean beaten, bruised, to the point I felt so weak and incapable of accomplishing the simple act of being happy. The past couple of years for me were just miserable. A reoccurring thought, an idea, an assumed root that I thought was the link to all my problems, and I couldn’t let him go. I was angry at him. I hated him. But why be angry at someone who was never really in your life to begin with?
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I’ll admit I’m not crier; well I am, but I HATE crying. I’m too tough for that, or at least I feel that I have to be. During this fast I think it was the most I’ve ever cried. But during this spiritual fast, and alone time with God I realized a lot, and that I blamed my father for so many things. One thing for sure was him not being present in my life, and I found that to be alright. How was that OK? I’ll explain.
I remember I was going for a walk one afternoon as I normally do. I find walking to be therapeutic and I’m able to get thinking, and enjoying music. Well, someone popped up to my surprise. I think God froze time for a minute, and placed my father’s car in the middle of traffic just so he could drive up, and get my attention. I heard a car’s horn beeping while the music from my phone was blasting in my ear. I turned around, and he invited me to come over and have a word. I was hesitant because there is still a part of me that didn’t want to let go of the anger.
“Just walk on, and ignore him. Act as if he’s a stranger.”
When you’ve been angry for so long you develop a special relationship with bitterness. But I decided to walk across the street to his car, and speak with him. So many things ran through my mind. Should I curse him out, be nice, rip him to shreds, perhaps? I decided to start with a simple hello. Our discussion was brief, and we exchanged numbers. He offered me a ride home, but I told him “nah, I’m good.” It could have been a good opportunity to talk a little more, but to be honest, I didn’t want him to know where I lived.
A week later he called me and offered to go out to breakfast or lunch. I was willing to spend time with him. Maybe we could get some things off our chests, and start over. He told me he was going to call me back so we could set up a day. I waited, and waited, and I called him a few days later. He answered his phone, but something was different. His answers were short and quick. I assumed he was busy and that I had called at a bad time. He said to me “I’ll call you back”, and that was the last I heard from him. That was three years ago, and I’ve let go of the hurt ever since.
I told my best friend about it about a week or two after it happened, and she gave me the best encouraging answer. She told me not to be sad about it, it was a blessing in disguise. Sometimes in order to move forward, you just have let go of some people. We've lived without him for 26 years now, and I’ve had some regrets up to this point, but since I’ve learned to let him go things started to fall into place. I’m not there yet, but I’ll make it just fine without him.
For all those who grew up without a father because he just didn’t have any interest in you — it’s OK. For those my age, or younger, don’t be bitter or angry towards him. It’s not worth your blessing to come and accomplishments.
You must learn to let go, and when I say let go don’t just forgive him, but still be angry. LET GO! Move on because time waits for no one. It may be necessary to cry, but don’t cry for too long. The time that you’re crying could be the time that you could writing down your goals, and setting up business plans.
Forgive, let go, and move on.
