Mental illness can be a touchy subject for a lot of people.. Myself included. One thing that has always bothered me, without fail, are those people who say depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses are not real, that they are just made up. Yes, there are people who use depression for attention. There are people who blast their issues all over social media so that people will feel bad for them. But, that is not how everyone is. I have depression but I am not like that. I do not frequently talk about it. Although it will always be part of me, it is not the part I want everyone to know about. Truthfully, I am kind of ashamed of it and I don't really want anyone to know about it.

What I know is that depression is not something I should be ashamed of because there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how under control I have it, I will struggle with it for the rest of my life. Even if I take medication and go to therapy every week, I can still have nights where I am unbearably sad for absolutely no reason. I have come to terms with the fact that I will forever be in a constant battle with depression and anxiety, but I will always come out on top. Always. You can't look at me and tell I have depression. You can't have a conversation with me and say that I am sad. I am not sad. I am a very happy person, I love to laugh, and I love my life. But I have depression and that is ok.

What I know is that everyone feels it at some point. Just not everyone knows how to deal with it properly. In my opinion, people who say that depression isn't real are just in denial. Denying someone else the chance to put a name to their feelings and get needed help is selfish. The people I know who say that are the people who are negative, constantly angry, and constantly sad. People who are always trying to impress others with their "intellect" and "independence". Maybe you don't have depression, but I can guarantee you have felt depressed more than once in your lifetime. Everyone has lost hope before; everyone has wondered if it will ever get better. Not everyone recovers from those moments.. Some people spend their whole lives under a gray cloud that they cannot escape. Not everyone has the same outlook that I do. Whenever I am struggling, I think about how much my mom and dad love me. I think about what my life will be like in 3 years when I graduate college. I think about how what is bothering me now won't be bothering me in two hours let alone in two days or two months or two years. I am very fortunate to have taught myself to think this way; otherwise, I know I would still be deeply enveloped by depression and I would never be able to talk myself out of the terrible thoughts that sometimes fill my head.

What I know about depression is that it is not a one time thing. It would be different if I was just sad for one night. I am not just sad and it is not for one night. I get so sad that all I want to do is sleep. I get so sad that I convince myself that there is no one who will understand, no one to talk to, and no one who loves me ***

What I've learned about depression is that it does not have to win. What I learned while learning to love myself is that life will go on. Tomorrow will be a better day. There are much, much bigger and better things waiting ahead. What I have learned from having depression is that I will be sad and I am allowed to. I will inevitably have off days. I am allowed to cut toxic people out of my life and give them no explanation. I do not have to feel bad for taking care of myself. I should never feel bad for doing what feels right and what makes me happy. After all, I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am today - to where I can truthfully say I am happy and that I love myself.

*** I know that is not true. I am unbelievably loved by my parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. As comforting as it is to know that I am loved and cared for, I still have those thoughts sometimes and I can't control them. The thing I can control is how I handle them. It has taken me a long time, but I don't give in anymore. I know that I have people to talk to if it is too bad and I will never have to do it on my own. I'm luckier than most.