One of the number one things I have always been proud of in life was surviving cancer. I will always happily share the fact to anyone I meet, because cancer was such a big part in my life. Weirdly enough, it helped me become the person I am. I guess some people would say I talk about having had cancer too much (yes, I have heard this), but getting the gift of life after it was almost taken from me is a blessing that I will never be silent about.
Having cancer and going through chemotherapy was obviously difficult. Chemotherapy doesn't just kill the cancer cells, but it wipes away good cells, too, which is why you can lose your hair. I went through preschool bald, which I never thought anything of at the time. I went from having straight blonde hair to being bald to having curly brown hair grow back. And aside from being bald, I was obviously really sick. Cancer makes you sick, but chemotherapy does, too, which really just sucks when you think about it like that. You have to be made sicker to get better. From this, I have learned that life can sometimes be unconventional. Sometimes you have to go through something horrid just to make it to the greener grass on the other side.
But you know what was really actually the hardest part about having cancer for me? Growing up and learning what had happened to me. At the time I was diagnosed, I was only three years old. I didn't really have a solid, in depth grasp on all of the medical shenanigans that were happening, but I could recite all of my chemotherapy meds to you. I remember googling "leukemia" when I was 10 and being shocked at what I was reading. I hadn't known that I'd gone through THAT. I remember talking to my friends about it in fifth grade, and showing them a picture of what I had looked like with no hair. You know what my friends did? They started pulling at my hair and asking if it was a wig. I am still slightly traumatized from that experience.
From that day on, I felt really alone. There was nobody I could talk to about what I had been through, other than my family, of course. But there was nobody my age who I could truly identify with. I had been going through chemotherapy while all of my classmates were learning their ABCs and coloring on walls (which I did do too, but still). At this point, I started to feel really...old. Like you know how people sometimes say they're an "old soul?" That was me when I was 10. But don't get me wrong, I would never wish cancer (or any other illness for that matter) on anybody. It is just so frustrating to have nobody truly get you.
I am so proud to be alive and to acknowledge all that I have been through to get to where I am today. But when I was 17, I had a friend tell me that I shouldn't talk about having cancer because I "didn't actually do anything, the doctors did." I remember calling my mom and crying because I couldn't understand how anyone could be so mean. But that is sometimes just how people are. Sometimes, we can't explain why people say the things they say or do the things they do. I started to realize that other people's opinions on what I should or shouldn't talk about weren't worth my time. In fact, a lot of the things people talk about are just space fillers that will be forgotten five minutes later anyway. People will mindlessly voice their opinion on anything. Coming to this realization has led me to a weird habit of:
"Oh my god, look at that girl's shoes." Doesn't personally affect me.
"Can you believe that so and so said..." Doesn't personally affect me.
"Kim Kardashian did..." Really doesn't personally affect me.
Life is too short to spend it blabbering on about things that do not matter. This weird social media day and age has led people to just drone on about frivolous things instead of getting into the nitty gritty important stuff. I grew up dying. I understand that some things in life just are not worth the little precious time that we have. From cancer, I learned how precious life is.
Even though I had cancer as a child, it wasn't until I was a teenager that I learned that cancer will always have an effect on me. My immune system sucks. I'm more likely to get autoimmune diseases. I'm more likely to get another cancer. And I might not be able to have children. From all that, I came to realize that... I will always want to live life to the fullest. I know a lot of people fear having cancer and will do anything to prevent it. But to me, that just sucks. There are things in life you cannot control. And there are worse things to fear than cancer. Worrying about something in the future does not help you focus on the here and now. I was basically given a second chance to live, and I refuse to live in worry or in fear. I am here now. I will live it up while I can. Bring on the chocolate cake.
Cancer made me who I am today. I am fierce. I am a fighter. I don't give up. I love taking on any challenge (especially if professors say you cannot study everything the night before an exam, waaaaaatch me). When I face challenges, I know that I can handle them because I've been through worse. I love to smile. I love to laugh. I love to care. Having grown up feeling so alone... I want to keep anybody from feeling like that if I can. When I think of the day when I become a pediatric oncology nurse, it feels right. It's what I know, what I've always known. And if I can help any 10 year old out there who is struggling and feeling alone, then I know my life has had an amazing purpose.
Going through childhood cancer taught me how to live. Joyously. Outrageously. Carefree. With love. With heart. With feeling.
You know how some people always say "those who have struggled the most are the kindest" or whatnot? I would say having cancer goes more along the lines of "those who have almost lost life are the ones who cherish it most."
(But I think I might be biased.)
