It's been 5 long years since I lost my mom. 5 long years, yet at the same time, it feels like just yesterday. A lot has changed in the past 5 years, but I have finally come to the point where I can talk about everything that happened without getting teary-eyed or ending up in a funk for days. That said, everyone handles loss and grief differently and each and every person grieves in their own time, at their own pace. I'm sure if you asked my sisters how losing our mom has affected them, their answers would be different than each other's and different than mine. I absolutely cannot speak for my sisters as to how they deal with Mom being gone any more than I can speak for everyone who has ever lost a parent. What I can do is speak for myself and what I have learned. And to be honest, I've learned a lot.

1. Nothing can change the facts.

No matter how much I wish the entire scenario was different, or non-existent for that matter, there is nothing I can do to change the facts. The facts are this: my mom had cancer - lung cancer. The doctors didn't find it until it was stage four. I can get mad and blame the doctors for not finding the cancer sooner. I can blame the insurance companies for having such expensive co-pays that ultimately delayed/prevented my mom from getting the procedures and tests she needed to find the cancer. I can be mad at and blame the medical industry for not having the resources, technology, and treatments to cure my mom. Heck, if I wanted, I could blame my mom for getting sick in the first place or blame God for taking her from me. I've looked at those options; I truly have. But at the end of the day, all that's left are the facts: My mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer at the age of 45, underwent various treatment for seven months and passed away at the age of 46. Nothing I do will ever change that and nothing I do will ever bring her back, and that's a painful reality to face, but it's one I've learned to live with.

2.It's okay to be happy.

Just because my mom is gone, doesn't mean I have to be sad 24/7. Don't get me wrong, it's 100% okay to grieve and to do so at your own pace. Nothing is more infuriating to me than people acting like there is an arbitrary timeline for grief and the grieving process. There's not. It's taken me five years to get to this point, but I've realized that just because I'm not sad or actively grieving doesn't mean I don't miss my mom. Just because I don't actively think about mom and how much I miss her doesn't mean that I'm going to forget about her. I could never forget about my mom. My mom was everything to me, but I still need to live my life and find happiness. Mom would want that.

3. I don't owe her anything.

I can't even count how many times I've said "I owe it to mom to..." when in reality I really owe it to myself. I may think I owe it to my mom to be happy or to do well in school or to take care of my health, but I don't. Even when my mom was still here, she didn't benefit from my doing well in school or my taking care of my health or even my happiness. Sure it made her proud to see me succeed and it made her happy to see me happy, but at the end of the day, I was the one who reaped the benefits. Saying I owe it to my mother implies that she would directly benefit from my actions. I could say I owe it to her memory, but in reality, my actions don't change or even affect how she is remembered. Her memory is based on her and her actions, not me and mine. So even now, especially now, I owe it to myself to make the most of every day and to live the life that makes me happy. That's what my mom has always wanted - for my sisters and I to be happy and safe.

4. No one can take or taint my memories.

My memories of my mom will always be my own. Nothing on this Earth can ever change that. The awesome part is that my memories of my mom are unique to me. My sisters have their own memories that are unique to them individually. My middle sister and my baby sister, although close in age, have their own individual memories of mom. My grandparents, my cousins, even my dad all have their own memories of her. And here's the kicker - some of those memories may be negative ones, but it's my choice whether or not I allow the negative memories to alter my personal (and positive) memories. My mom always used to say "You can't make anyone feel anything; it's their choice." Well, the same goes for memories. No one can tell me my memory isn't right because people experience the same events differently. Conversely, I can't tell anyone their memory is wrong just because I don't remember it that way. I will always remember my mom's smile and her hugs and her encouragement. I will always remember her calling me on my cell phone from down the hall to get me up for school when she was really tired and I wasn't budging. I'll always remember how she took care of me when I was sick, and I'll always remember taking care of her when she was sick. Most of all, I'll always remember how much she loved me and no one on this Earth can ever take that from me without my consent.

5. In reality, I'm not a motherless daughter.

Nothing can ever change the fact that my mom was my mom just like nothing can change the fact that she's not here anymore. The cool part (if you can even call it that), is that she left pieces of herself here with me. My favorite things my mom left me are my two sisters. I see them and I see parts of mom. I hear her wisdom and her love in the way that they speak and the way that they act. I see her legacy live on in them and others see it in me as well. With Mom gone, kj4girls might not physically exist anymore, but it will always exist in my heart. My mom may have been the glue that held us all together, but I'll be damned if that glue evaporates just because she isn't on this Earth anymore. Even from Heaven, my mom is still the glue that holds my sisters and I together. She is still our common denominator. We have gained a most wonderful guardian angel and I know that when we eventually go home to be with our Heavenly Father that Mom will be right there waiting for us. We may not have our mom physically here with us, but she is always a part of our lives. I used to hate when people would say "your mom was still there" when I mentioned that I missed my mom, especially at important events, but the truth is they were right. No, it's not the same as her physically being there - it never will be - but she will always be a presence in my life. Bonus: I have a lot of wonderful people in my life who have stepped up and helped fill the void in my life where my mom was. No one can ever replace my mom - that would be impossible. But it's nice to know I still have moms here that I can go to when I need them.