Time is such a strange thing. It often governs our lives whether we intend it to or not. I'm often under the impression that I am completely in charge of my own time when it's actually the complete opposite. Being a follower of Jesus, I believe God has full control over my timeline. When I was younger, I pictured Him having a huge calendar with every day of my life planned out for me.
Whether you believe in a higher power or not, I think most of us can agree that we do not govern our own life timeline. But we seem to think we do.
Only a year ago, I thought I had the next three years of my life planned out. I was going to apply to graduate schools, get accepted into my dream university (ideally in Colorado), and spend two years working toward my Master's degree. To give myself some credit, I got through the application and acceptance part! Although I didn't get accepted at a university in Colorado, I had four or five good options. I was set. All I had to do was visit, decide, and enroll.
When I got back to school after winter break, I was discouraged about my love life - so in a moment of what I called "weakness," I downloaded a few dating apps to put myself back out there, as the kids say. The most important app being Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB). I downloaded CMB after seeing a fluke Facebook ad showing the creators talking about their goal to make dating apps friendly places - like coffee shops. I said to myself, "I LOVE coffee shops! I guess I'll give this a shot. I'm not going to stray from my plan, I'm just doing what a normal college student does."
About a week later, one CMB guy's profile caught my eye. His first picture was him holding one of those glowing lanterns from the movie "Tangled" with the caption, "Looking for a Rapunzel to help me hold this lantern. It's getting heavy." He had me at that caption - I thought it was adorable. Then I read through his bio, and he had similar interests: loves books, Jesus, and music. I decided to take a shot and connect with him even though I was scared out of my mind because he was six years older than me, really cute, and seemingly hilarious. But the next day, he sent me a message! We sent each other long paragraphs as often as we could, and I gave him my number faster than I ever have before.
Finally, we went on a coffee date and talked for five hours - we really hit it off, and quickly. This all happened two weeks before I was supposed to go on my graduate school visits (yes, I did tell him about grad school - I'm not going to hide something like that). I didn't know or realize how quickly I was falling for this man. I had just met him, but I felt like I'd known him my entire life. The more we talked about me going away to graduate school, the more it felt like a bad idea; not in the regular sense of bad - more like a slight nudge to change directions. I ended up going on my visits and not feeling at home anywhere I went, knowing I couldn't pay for tuition (a huge deterrent for someone like me who refuses to have any loans).
Some people may say I made my decision completely based on a guy I met a few weeks prior. Some people may say I'm making a mistake straying from the plan I had in place for a year. We're all entitled to our opinions, so if you think that too, go ahead. But the truth is that I'm following the whispers I hear in my heart telling me to stay in good old central Illinois and find a job instead of moving out of state to pursue graduate school. It makes absolutely no sense, and I recognize that. Sometimes life just doesn't make sense, and that's okay.
This isn't a story to lecture you or reprimand my past self for hanging back from what could've been a great opportunity. This is a story to process my thoughts and share with you how listening to my heart was difficult but so worth it.
I firmly believe God led me away from graduate school to save me from something I wasn't meant for. I believe this man (now, he's my one love) was brought into my life at what I thought was the worst time but what He knew was the best time. I had this huge plan built up in my head, but God had such a different one in mind for me that's been written on His calendar for all of my life. Who am I to mess with that or try to change His plan for me? Some people may tell you that you're crazy for making a decision that goes against the norm or that you're only making a decision for some guy. But I know the truth: I made my decision for me. He is not just "some guy," and I'm not crazy. I'm living my best life and making a difference in an imperfect world - just not in the way I'd originally planned. I'm a woman working to live for His will and plan even if I might be judged for it. Timing may not make sense to us - sometimes we just need to let go and trust.
