This semester didn't turn out how I planned, and I am 100% okay with that. Because my plans are usually half thought out. They are 30% reasonable and 70% unreal. My plan for ORU this semester was more like 1% reasonable and 99% unknown. Which is normal for your first semester of college...so I was only freaking out a lot. As a planner, I want my friggen plans to go as planned, ya know?
My biggest anxiety trigger would be my social life, and I knew that coming into this semester. I wanted like-minded people around me. I wanted girls who would pull me close to them, and not keep me at arm's length. I wanted a group of friends who would love me as much as I love them. I've always wanted that.
I had high expectations for the women around me, and I wasn't going to let it down. I have always had high expectations for those around me. I could blame that on my personality type, my enneagram number, my past, my home church, whatever. Knowing that I was stepping into the unknowable didn't automatically mean throwing my expectations to the wind. I have standards for a reason.
My social life was challenged early on. I didn't make forever friends day one, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed and a little shocked. Reality checked in with me quickly, letting me know that I have never had to MAKE friends before. I have always just had friends. I spent years with the same people, whether voluntary or involuntary. Making friends, especially with people my age, has never been a strength of mine.
Though making friends has not been a strength, I knew that I could work on it, and I am. I am practicing meeting people and remembering their names and talking to people even when I am nervous. I am practicing being in a group of people that I have not known long. I am practicing reaching out more than I am being invited (which really humbles me). I am practicing. It ain't always fun, but it's how life works.
Looking back at the beginning of the semester, I saw that the girls who were immediately surrounding me were probably not the ones. I wrote a blog then titled When Home Becomes A Battlefield, talking about my struggle.
To put it simply, sometimes the first try just doesn't work out. My first try at moving onto a floor of all new and unfamiliar students was one of those times. It didn't work, I wasn't comfortable, and I didn't like it. It shocked me at the difference between some of these girls and the ones I had seen come from ORU in the past. A whole 180-degree difference of morals and standards. I believe great things will come from these girls, but I didn't see it at the time. Not everyone on the floor was the kind of girl I am describing. Most of them aren't. Still, it just wasn't working. My struggle started inside my own room and that was enough for me to ask for help. To sum up my time on that floor, it was dramatic.
Right before spring break, I sat down and had some long phone calls with my parents. They gassed me up to call my RA and request an emergency room change. And that's what I did.
Let me tell you, I have never felt more dramatic in my life. Like its literally called an emergency room change...how is that not dramatic? All these voices in my head telling me I am "too much," "too extra," and no one can "handle" me really came back strong. But in a process that probably takes 1-2 weeks, I balled up the courage to ask if it could be done in 2 days. If there is one thing I can testify too, its that if I ask, the answer is yes. I have been graced with whatever gift makes it easy to get my own way.
I totally beat myself up the entire time I moved. But the urge to "get out of there" was way stronger than the voices in my head. I grabbed some girls, packed my stuff and moved to Claud 7, the basketball floor. I said goodbye to my roommate and walked chin held high right out of that floor.
I am gonna be honest. I felt horrible. I felt judged and criticized. I felt like a loser.
Jesus knew all of this, and he knows about everything I am writing and then deleting as I type. He knows what is really going on in my head and heart. He is aware that I am talking as pretty as possible, leaving many of my real feelings out of this post. He knows.
Somehow, all the most amazing people were on my new floor, YADA. They welcomed me in with open arms and just made me feel good. They didn't pry into my life, but they opened the space for me to settle in. My soul felt rested with these girls. It still does.
To be really frank, moving restored my hope that good people were at ORU. That spark that I had coming into ORU that I would find friends that would make me cry happy tears has returned. I watched how these girls loved and really learned from them. "So this is how you FRIEND in college." I took note of their thoughtfulness, their easy-going nature, their ability to wipe the bad stuff off their shoulders. It blessed my heart to sit down and have deep conversations with them, even though we weren't besties. I was comfortable trusting them with my insecure questions.
Changing floors and gaining my own room really opened my eyes to myself. Things changed when I could hear myself think. Even when it was uncomfortable, time had opened up for me to get to know me. I was challenged to let go of old habits and pick up new ones. To be responsible when no one was watching. To love and take care of myself because I love me.
It also brought me closer to God. Without having a roommate to occupy my spare time, the condition of my heart was easy to see. Having access to the prayer room + being on a prayer team came into play here. I didn't want to run away from the ugly parts of my heart as I had always done. I wanted to see what would happen if I took Gods hand and walked towards the problems. When this happened, I got to see God work on me. There was no performance involved. He really did just ask me to be with Him, and He worked on me. It's hard to describe that feeling of freedom, of release. Its almost like when the crushing pressure on your chest just slowly lifts. Feeling less anxious makes me feel like a whole new person you guys.
If I had one word to describe this semester, it would be growth. Simple growth. Not prideful, no spotlight necessary. Just growth. And I really like it.
This semester didn't turn out how I planned, and I am 100% okay with that. What did happen was a renewed relationship with Jesus, where I feel more refreshed than ever. Maybe no life long friends were made, but I know how to make friends now. Maybe the beginning was not perfect, but the ending was so so sweet. It wasn't like I planned, but I am not the only one with my life plan in mind.
