My therapist suggested this past week that in order for me to make any kind of progress, I must be willing to step out of my comfort zone. I have to be willing to expose my emotions and be willing to make myself vulnerable and communicable.

What better way to make yourself vulnerable than to completely open up and tell all on the Odyssey?

Here it goes, God help me.

I am anorexic.

Yes I am a college-aged male and yes I still suffer from an eating disorder. This isn't something that only females struggle with.

I don’t know when it started, or why it started. However, I do know that it is there, and with the anorexia comes a severe and dangerous dose of self-loathing that brings on my depression and anxiety.

It’s a lethal combination.

I have decided to write this piece and finally, after almost a year of struggling alone, to reveal my secret in hopes that I could potentially reach some people out there struggling who are also struggling with anorexia, and let those people know that they are not alone in this battle against our own minds.

This is what I am personally experiencing every day.

Like I said before, I have no idea when or why this came about. If I did know chances are I wouldn’t still be struggling with the eating disorder. What I do know is how I feel.

This mental illness has made and continues to make my life a living hell. It has completely and utterly hijacked my train of thought, my personality, my social life, and my physical well-being. I spend every waking moment thinking about food and how to avoid it. I spend hours at the gym daily. I send myself into panic attacks over something as simple as having a single bite of pizza, all the while convincing myself that I am a completely worthless, overweight, unsuccessful slob that nobody could ever love and respect.

This eating disorder is no joke.

At first, when the weight started to come off I felt good and I felt I looked good. I began to gain a few compliments along with a little bit of confidence.

Then it got out of control.

I started to fear gaining all of the weight back that I had lost. The fear quickly turned into a lifestyle of physical self-harm through long periods of starvation, in addition to extreme exercise. At first, I would just skip meals and run every day. After skipping meals and running wasn't enough, I would skip meals completely and then snack periodically throughout the day in order to be able to go without large meals at all, while still exercising every day. After I felt that this was not doing the trick, I stopped eating the snacks throughout the day, skipped all meals, and ate one snack-sized meal around the evening hours every day. Of course, I was still running three to five miles a day six to seven days a week on top of playing tennis or ultimate frisbee with my group of close athlete friends.

Then there are the other symptoms of anorexia. The body dysmorphia, stress, self-hatred, loss of spirituality, and anxiety, are all things that I had never experienced or seen before. The self-hatred has been the biggest challenge for me. There are no words to describe what this actually feels like other than a feeling of absolute worthlessness. I have struggled with thoughts that I have no place here, that I don't deserve to be here, that I would rather give up, that If I gain the weight back nobody will like or respect me, that people will talk about me. I struggle with these things every day. I feel disgusted with myself after every meal.

In all honesty, I have not recovered the slightest bit from this eating disorder. The difference between the above paragraphs and the person writing them tonight is the fact that I finally asked for help and am receiving it. I can talk openly about my problem. I have begun treatment and still continue to see doctors, therapists, and nutritionists.

Here is where I’m at in this moment: My body is weak, I have lost most of my muscle mass because my body has been starving for so long. I am in constant physical pain. All of my joints hurt. It hurts to sit, stand, walk, and do any kind of physical activity, yet I still continue the unhealthy exercise patterns, all in an effort to reduce the panic and self-hatred that I have experienced and continue to experience day. I still go without eating for extended periods of time because of the self-hatred and severe fear of weight gain. When I do eat it has to be in very small portions for two reasons: I have been in a state with limited food for so long that when I do eat, I become physically sick and also, my self-hatred now sends me into a state of panic. Anxiety attacks have become the new norm.

To be one hundred percent honest, I have struggled very much with whether or not I really want to continue to fight this depression and eating disorder, or throw in the towel completely. In my darkest moments, it seemed as though this would be the only way to find some kind of peace. I struggle with this every day.

However, I have realized that I am not fighting this mental illness for just myself anymore, because if that were the case then I would much rather give up. I am in this fight for my family. I am in this fight for my friends. I am in this fight for all of the people out there who are struggling with the same things that I am. You are not, and never will be alone. If you have a problem, do not be too proud or afraid to seek help. As dark and as alone as you may feel, as much as you look in the mirror and hate the person that stares back at you, and as much as you do not what to be on this Earth anymore, please know that there are people who love you, who care about you, and who want to see you fight and beat mental illness.

I too was on the edge of the cliff and ready to jump, instead I took a leap of faith in the opposite direction and admitted that I needed help. I thank God that I asked when I did, otherwise, I’m not sure if I would be writing this post tonight.

Take a leap of faith tonight and ask for help. You are not alone.