I am sorry. I’m sorry that we, as a society, have taught you that acceptance is necessary. I’m sorry that we, as a society, have programmed a uniform idea of what “happy” looks like. I’m sorry that we have ruined any idea of privacy. I, myself, am sorry for conforming and participating in this type of life style.

I am young female who has taken too long to graduate. I’ve attended 3 different colleges. I’ve joined and left a sorority. I’ve taken amazing trips and tried amazing new restaurants. These are all things you will know about me if you search me on social media. You will see a variety of videos about food. You will see the surface of my life that I have presented to you. You will assume you know me but…you will never know “me”.

This social media platform has allowed me to portray myself as someone I hope to be. I hope to someday prepare all of these meals. I hope to someday travel to all of these places. I hope to someday have a dream house that includes me and my English bulldog lounging next to a hot tub in the center of the indoor pool that is inside of my glass walled house with modern white décor while staring at my awesome beach view. I hope to someday find the perfect significant other that will do all of these sweet “post worthy” things. I hope to find a cure for at least one neurodegenerative disease.

But the problem is that all of these things I hope for, that were spoon fed to me from every direction, are just hopes. When did we stop doing things to enjoy them and start doing things to have something to post? I see these #100daysofhappy posts and I sit and stare at a life I know I will never lead and begin to resent the life I have worked so hard to obtain. Everything we post, we tend to think is just to “share” our life. But why are we sharing it? Is it to show family that you don’t often see what you’ve been up to? Is it to use later for a sort of digital scrapbook? Is it to prove that you accomplished something?

The real question is, are you posting these things for the right reasons? Do you need the satisfaction that comes with 20+ likes on Instagram? Even more so than why are you posting it, why are you doing what you posted about to begin with? Are you doing these “post worthy” things for you … or for me?

Beyond what we share about ourselves, how much time do we spend online watching other people’s happiness and planning for the future we hope to have? Shouldn’t we be spending that time doing something else? Reading, writing, drawing, talking, spending time with others, having an adventure? When did we become so obsessed with dreaming and planning what we want instead of actually going out and doing it? I personally have over 300 recipes “pinned” on pinterest, ask me how many I have tried. I have hundreds of DIY Pins but have never taken the time to do it myself. I’ve successfully planned at least 5 weddings without ever even being engaged. I have spent so much time looking at other people’s online lives to the point where I begin to be severly dissatisfied with my own life. The life that 2 hours ago had me reeling with uncontrollable laughter and being showered with love by my family and friends. Why do we torture ourselves?

A good friend recently told me:

“You can make the right decision for the wrong reasons. And the wrong decisions for the right reasons. The decision itself isn’t what is in question. It is the motive and intent behind the decisions you make that will resonate with you.”

I am not perfect. I have made decisions for the wrong reasons. I have lived my life in fear that I will never feel accomplished or find true happiness. But it wasn’t until this recent conversation that I realized I was never going to feel fulfilled with my life until I stopped worrying what others will think about it. Someone somewhere will always scroll right past my posts like I don’t exist. And just because you do not see my light, doesn’t mean that I am not shinning.

As a song sung by Passenger states “We’re scared of flying and swimming and shooters, but we are slowly dying in front of fucking computers? So sing, sing at the top of your voice and love without fear in your heart. Feel, feel like you still have a choice. If we all light up we can scare away the dark.”

It isn’t going to be easy. And I will probably fail a few times at this attempt. But I have to try to simply live my life. Period. Simple as that. I will make goals that will never be achieved and I will change my course many times over the years. But I will remember to make decisions for the right reasons. For me.