We did everything together. All of the big moments when we were growing up, you were in them. The awkward middle school years with the braces and glasses. Getting ready together for high school dances. The countless times I went for a “run” just to go to your house (which used to be right down the street) to cry about boys and other stuff that seemed important at the time. Going to the beach together, eating chocolate like crazy people, watching the bachelor and say yes to the dress on the couch in your basement munching on popcorn and M&Ms. Playing lacrosse and soccer together, birthday parties, driving to turkey hill to get slushies or Ben and Jerry’s. I remember when I first met you in fourth grade how quiet you were, but then by the end of high school you were the complete opposite of quiet (not in a bad way though). We always had each other’s backs through all the ups and downs. I wish I could go into detail, but then this letter would take too long to read.
Except then you moved away from Hershey the summer after senior year of high school. Every time I would go home during my first semester of college it didn’t feel like home because you weren’t there. I remember coming to visit you during thanksgiving break the fall semester of freshman year and that was the longest we were apart (a whole 3 months). When your winter break came around you decided to surprise me and come to Penn State the Friday before my finals week. I had plans to study that night for finals and was not expecting you. When you knocked on my door I expected it to be some girl on my floor, but I was so excited to see you. We spent a few hours catching up. I remember this night perfectly. I even remember you telling me how organized my sweaters were and that I was a freak for having them all color-coded. I wanted to go out with you that night so badly, but I knew I shouldn’t because it was my first finals week at Penn State; I didn’t know what to expect. After those short few hours flew by I realized I should probably study. I remember you came with your uncle and cousin and you were staying with them because your cousin had a college visit the next morning. Your uncle was going to pick you up from my dorm and it was getting late and I said to you that I didn’t want your uncle to have to come pick you up too late. I didn’t realize until later how much these words upset you. If it had been a different time (not right before finals) I would have said you could just stay with me that night and we would have definitely been able to go out. After you left, I texted you multiple times over the next month and almost every time you didn’t respond to me. Eventually I knew something was wrong so I finally asked you. You told me that I upset you that night you came to visit. I was so surprised and upset to hear this. Going back, I wouldn’t have changed the decision I made that night, but I do wish I would have known that you were coming so I would have made plans to study sooner or right before you got there. I hate surprises. I’m one of those people who like to have everything figured out. I don’t think you understood how nervous I was for these finals because you were stress-free and had already had your finals week.
Last fall we Face Timed on and off. I thought our friendship was getting better again. Then over Christmas break you told me you were coming to Hershey and you were going to come visit me. You came to Hershey and saw one of your guy friends and didn’t come to see me. You texted me when you got home, “I am sorry it didn’t work out I am at home now”. I asked you, “Is everything ok like is there a reason” and you said, “Everything is fine there’s no reason”. I have never been so disappointed in my entire life. I thought our friendship was getting better and I was looking forward to seeing you. Being so disappointed and hurt I felt the need to block you from all of my social media. I couldn’t see pictures of you with captions that said “my new best friend” or “my favorite people from Hershey” without me being in them.
It still makes me sad to think that one night ruined our whole friendship even after everything we had been through together.
However, I don’t miss the drama you seemed to always create in my life or when you would get upset at me for something silly. You seemed to always hold a grudge toward me, yet somehow I felt as though I always forgave you right away because I thought that’s what best friends are supposed to do. I have also learned that a true friend won’t ignore your texts no matter how upset they are at you.
I won’t miss the mind games you played on me. It is never easy to balance a friendship and a relationship, but because I didn’t feel like you were happy for me with my relationship and every time you made me feel this way, you pushed me further away from you. Every time you hurt me, Aaron was always there to make me feel better. He has continued to do that for me and still does to this day. Some days I talk to him about what happened between you and I and he makes me feel better. I know now that I don’t want to surround myself with people who make me feel like this anymore, and I’m the happiest I have ever been in my life.
I have also learned that people can change so much when you aren’t with them all the time. I know it is probably healthy that we have gone our separate ways. Although, sometimes I wonder if you had never moved away, if we would still be friends. I know I haven’t talked to you for almost a year, but I still wish the best for you and I always hope you are doing well. You will always hold a special place in my heart. Maybe sometime down the road we will meet up again, but for now I am still thankful for all of the memories we have shared. I will never forget them.
Love, the girl who never tried to stop being your friend
