I've always felt self-conscious about my heritage. Not in a bad way or anything, I just always felt like I was stuck in some sort of limbo. My mom's parents are Mexican, my dad's parents are Mexican, you would think it would be super easy for me to just say, "yeah I'm Mexican." But sometimes, I really don't feel like that's 100% true, and I'm not sure what even means.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been stuck between two cultures my whole life. At school, I predominately had friends who were white, so I embraced a more traditional American culture at school. At family events at my grandparents' house, I could only understand half of the conversations at the dinner table and commonly repeated phrases. At my parents' house, I felt most comfortable, we would speak English, but I also had words and phrases we would say in Spanish.

As I got older, I realized I was missing a huge part of my culture, the language. I knew a few words, most of my first words as a baby were in Spanish, but I didn't actually know how to speak. It is incredibly hard to learn a language as a teenager, and I still struggle with speaking my 6th year into studying the language. It feels as though the language is a barrier I can't get across, a "border" blocking me from my culture if you will. (See what I did there?)

I don't feel like I'm truly "Mexican, Hispanic, or Latinx" because I'm not fluent in Spanish. It seems really silly, but the Latinx community puts a lot of pressure on learning the language of "la raza." Some say that you can't be apart of the community or can't consider yourself to be Latinx if you don't speak Spanish, whereas others say it's perfectly fine. I understand why my parents were reluctant to teach me, there is prejudice and racism against the Latinx community, and I understand they were protecting me from ridicule and inequality, but I feel like I'm missing a part of myself.

Me in Puerto Vallarta

Over the summer I spent a week with my family in Guadalajara, and it made me want to learn Spanish even more, I realized that because I'm stuck between two cultures, I have a hard time letting myself not get self-conscious. I'm embarrassed to speak Spanish in front of my family and my peers because I fear that my accent and slowness will take away whatever closeness I had with my heritage, yet I'm also afraid of diving too deep into my culture and being rejected by the American side of me.

Me with my tias in Guadalajara.

It might not be today, tomorrow, or next week, but I hope one day I will be able to speak fluently and confidently. I've noticed that learning has connected me better to my heritage, and I'm grateful for the illumination. Being connected to such old traditions and places is beautiful and inspiring. Going to Mexico for a week was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and I encourage everyone to visit their roots at one point in their lifetime. For my fellow Latinx hermanos y hermanas who are not fluent in Spanish, I encourage you to reach out to that side of your heritage and realize that while learning the language may bring you closer to la cultura, not knowing it doesn't make you any less amazing. We carry often times carry the trauma of our family learning English on our shoulders, don't be afraid of tossing it in la basura.