Lately I’ve honestly been happiest when I’m on my own, and it kind of scares me sometimes.
Dancing alone in my room in my underwear. Drinking a hot cup of coffee with caramel macchiato creamer in my dorm from my Keurig at 3am… in between studying for hours on end. Taking the blue line to my favorite spot to do homework, right off of Lakeshore. Going for long runs on the Chicago Riverwalk during Business lunch hour, so I can catch a few hotties walking around in business suits, drinking their Au Bon Pain coffee.
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I’ve just grown to be so content in my own little world of happiness during the past few months.
I have so many friends with boyfriends and girlfriends. I know so many people who literally have a fear of being alone and doing things alone. I know so many people who just can’t stand the thought of not having someone next to them to experience their every move with.
And this is where I get a little concerned for myself. Because I have zero of those thoughts. I actually love being alone. I love having me time. I hate distractions. Quite honestly I’m so busy, I barely even have enough time to squeeze in an hour workout at the rec center. Let alone time for anything else besides sleep.
I wasn’t always like this though. All throughout high school I was actually quite literally the complete opposite. I put everyone and everything before what I wanted. I put everyone and everything before what I needed. If I was nervous someone wasn’t going to like a decision I was going to make, I would back out. If I thought someone would disagree with something I was about to say, I wouldn’t raise my hand in class. I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt. I never gave myself me time. I was out with friends every night. I was with people every night. Doing something. Somewhere. And to be completely honest, 70% of the time, I just wanted to be home. Or I wanted to be somewhere else. Doing something else. Something more.
I always had this strange desire to be somewhere else, different than where I was.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love my friends to death. It wasn’t because sitting in a circle with some of your best friends doing absolutely nothing on a Friday night, somehow always turned into the best nights. It wasn’t anyone or anything else. It was me.
I wasn’t spending enough time on me. I wasn’t going to the gym to better myself, instead of going to the movies with my friends. I wasn’t staying at home and having one of my mom’s super healthy homemade meals, instead of going to eat overly greasy nuggets and fries from McDonalds. I just went with the flow. I did what everyone else did. I did what all my friends did. I told my Mom and Dad what I think they wanted to hear. And don’t get me wrong, I still will. I’ll still do all these things… but with time.
But for now?
It’s me time. There’s so much in this world I want to do. There’s so much in this world I want to see. And experience. And love. And feel. And I think I just need to accept the fact that it literally doesn’t matter what you choose to do in this world. There will ALWAYS be one person who isn’t going to agree with it. Always. So the sooner you realize that sometimes you just have to have your own back, and do what you want, and what is best for you. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. Be a little selfish sometimes. You will become the happiest person in the world. I woke up one morning, and it just kind of happened. I realized I needed to make some serious changes to get the life that I want. Sure, it took me nearly 19 years. But I’m here. And I’m more excited and motivated than ever.
One thing that I think is important to keep in mind though, with this mindset. Is the one simple statement, people want to see you do good, but never better than them, remember that. You might lose some friends. You might lose some people because you aren’t exactly participating in all the norm things now. You aren’t going out to Wine Wednesdays, Thirsty Thursdays, and then rallying all weekend anymore. Because you want that internship. You want a better body. You want to shoot for a 4.0. You want to be the best you that you can be. And THEN you can go back to being with everyone else. But PLEASE for the sake of your sanity, put yourself first. This is the time.
So, for a little while, I’m just going to enjoy dancing around my dorm room in my underwear, while sipping on my nice piping hot mug of Keurig coffee (with caramel macchiato creamer).
You do you.
And I’m just going to do me for a while.
