Once graduation of high school hits the time begins to race to see who will graduate once more. My mind always thrived for an early release into the real world but not everything works how you had planned. Seeing all of my friends grades above me graduating from college and moving on was exciting but intimidating.

College, working, homework, social life, internships, clubs, family time, friends, good grades are all hard to juggle when only 18-22-years-old. On top of that add anxiety, depression, confusion, major losses and so much more. Now as a supposed senior, a year behind, switched schools, changed majors and suffocating to escape.

It seems as though all of those I love around me are moving on in their lives and are becoming real humans. Real humans, what does that even mean? Graduating from college, becoming an actual member of society, getting real jobs, moving away from home. My best friend is graduating in the spring, my other friend is moving away, my brother has an amazing internship and here I am.

Lost. Confused. Worried.

If I could turn back time I would, my dream was to graduate early and now I'm not even graduating on time. Viewing myself as a child and those around me as adults getting into real life and doing what they love. Its hard to watch everyone around you succeed when you aren't, and that's not to say I'm not but it sure feels that way.

Next year that will be me, graduating, having an internship, moving away and becoming a real member of society. Crazy. We wait 13 years to graduate high school and then another 3-5 years to graduate college, for what? For the greater success and happiness of my life.

Its bittersweet to think about. Leaving behind everything I used to know and care about to pursue something I love is so so hard. The family, the friends, the overall relationships I have created. The spaces I used to call home, the routine, everything is thrown away to be something more.

No one in college teaches you how to cope with moving out and living in the real world. Leaving everything behind. For now, I wait. I watch my loved ones graduate. I tell myself to be patient. Patience is a virtue. Everything happens for a reason.

Life is a surprise, nothing is the same and we all live it differently but are happy in the end, or at least I would hope so. For now, I succeed at being my best self. Being who I want to be for the future so my life is not unreliable in the end.

The love of success and need for it is haunting. Hurry up and get there, you're wasting time and money. Grow from mistakes and be happy for those around you.

It feels like I am being left behind while everyone else is learning, watching, experiencing these amazing things in life. I just wonder when it will be my turn.