Dear My Abuser,
I'm not sad that you gave me scars; I am sad that I have to bear those scars for the world to see, that I still have one piece of you that connects us. After all these years, I never understood how you could be so insidious.
How you could knowingly, day after day, treat me like nothing. What’s crazy is you made me believe your words.
You made me think something was wrong with me, that maybe if I changed, you would be different. That every time you made my heart bleed or tears flow you were right, that I had it coming and that you reacted normally.
After 19 years and much consultation with my real family, I realized I didn’t deserve the pain you caused me. It’s only been a few months since I decided to expel you completely, and yet I am the one feeling guilty.
It gets better every day.
Every day I’m happier that I don’t have the weight of your problems on my back. Every day I’m happier not to put on a facade for the world to see, masking my real problems. Every day I’m happier that the smile on my face is real.
You forced me to be strong at a young age. You forced me to learn to hate myself before I even knew how to hate. You taught me fear is a strong motivator. You taught me relationships are built off of distrust, without respect, and of, well, hate. You took away my innocence. You took away my power to be weak. You took away male figures in my life.
Because now, I am distrusting. I am timid. I am fearful.
But you did teach me one thing that I’m happy about: how I should never parent my children.
Abuse is different for everyone.
Everyone has a different story. Everyone suffers uniquely. Each person that suffers from abuse has a "turning point" where they suddenly realize that it’s not worth it to pretend to be okay; to shake off the pain and pretend it's nonexistent; to try every day to convince yourself that maybe this time it will be better.
It never is.
I cannot tell you today will be the day you leave with no regrets nor can I tell you when that day is. I cannot tell you what it will feel like when you "know." I cannot tell you when the day is that you will get courage.
But, these next words are the most important: you are not alone. You are beautiful and deserve so much more than what they tell you.
You are not worthless. They speak of lies. I know it’s hard to believe others or even your family when your abuser’s words echo in your head. You try and believe others, but you are still weary. Your trust has been broken too many times. But, for once trust your family. Trust that what they say is true.
If I know one thing, it’s this:I’m not looking back and neither should you.
