"That's not very ladylike."
This is a sentence that almost every woman or girl has heard at some point in her lifetime. Most likely, she's heard it multiple times, especially while growing up. Burping out loud at Thanksgiving dinner is apparently only okay when your brother does it, but for you? Never. Engaging in horseplay with all the other neighborhood kids? No way. Being too loud? Too angry? Swearing? Wearing something too short? Forget it. Along with the term "ladylike" come so many rules that we're expected to follow, because whatever we're trying to do either goes against those rules, or are either too masculine or too freeing. While I had always despised the word from a young age, I also have always marveled at the fact that boys were never told that something wasn't "manlike." It seemed that if they went against their gender expectations (i.e. crying, playing with dolls, or doing something otherwise considered "feminine), they were told they were "acting like a girl." As they got older, this phrase turned to "stop acting like a pussy," or some variation. If you notice, when a girl is reprimanded for her behavior, she's told to be more feminine. When a boy is reprimanded for his behavior, he's told he's behaving like a girl, because being a girl/feminine is less than. That is where the problem stems with the term ladylike.
"Ladylike" ultimately plays into control over women's actions, while simultaneously playing into shaming men for being what we generally perceive as feminine. "You shouldn't do/say this thing because it's not ladylike." What specifically makes this thing something I, as a woman, am not allowed to do? Many times these things give a woman power or confidence, traits society associates with masculinity. For example, a woman wearing what she wants gives her a feeling of confidence and power over her own body. For a man, he is almost never shamed for whatever he wants to wear. A woman wearing something perceived as too revealing may be called a "slut," and also told that it isn't ladylike to dress that way. What isn't "ladylike" about it is that dressing this way has made the woman feel good about herself, strong in her identity, and powerful in her own body. These are things misogyny tries to take away from us.
I think a lot of these expectations stem from a young age. Even if our parents aren't necessarily using this term around their daughters, they're sure to hear it from teachers, relatives, friends, etc. It's become such a common, accepted term that no one thinks twice when using it. Most people also mean no harm in using the word; they're simply trying to teach their daughters manners, as they say. But what about boys? Why aren't their sons expected to learn these same "manners" as well? Why aren't they taught to behave politely? Well, with things that are perceived as rude for girls to do, such as belching or shoving, boys are praised for. It can be laughed off when it's a boy because "boys will be boys," as the infamous phrase goes. Not only does this attitude increase the normalization of male violence, it also excuses boys for doing rude, violent, or inappropriate things, while girls don't get that pass and are expected to learn right from wrong. Boys (and men) need to be held accountable for not acting like a decent human being, just like everyone else.
Finally, it is unacceptable that "not being ladylike" is used to describe a girl's unwanted behavior, but for a boy they're told they're "acting like a girl." As they get older, this phrase turns to something like "acting like a pussy." Notice how when girls portray certain behaviors they're told to act more like a girl, but when a boy portrays certain behaviors, they're told to do the exact opposite: not act like a girl. They're reprimanded for doing anything commonly perceived as feminine, and since femininity is considered less than, insults for boys consist of feminine terms: pussy, girly, weak, etc. Not only is this terribly demeaning to women and girls, but it also shames boys and men for expressing themselves in any way that resembles femininity. Men should not have to police themselves so that they cannot act what we typically perceive as feminine. Femininity in men is something that should be celebrated and accepted, not destroyed.
All in all, "ladylike" is a term that encourages negative stereotypes for women and also gives imbalance to discipline between boys and girls. We need to lift girls up to love themselves, and perhaps then we can begin to erase terms like ladylike from our vocabulary.
