I've been around the proverbial block. I've been married, had flings, weird love/hate sex relationships and even one night stands, but there are several things that hold true in every situation that you should absolutely avoid, at all cost, if you want to come out on top. No pun intended.
Whatever your motivation, in any relationship, communication is key. If you don't want to settle down but you think their oral skills are magnificent, make it known. Regardless of their initial reaction, they will appreciate your honesty in the long run.
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1. Not Communicating
This should be pretty straight forward but somehow it is still one of the biggest issues people face in their romantic situations. Just say what you mean, it's 2016. Playing coy and hard to get is so 65 years ago. Alternatively, you may be too busy for a partner, it's not a good time for you, you're into your career, you're totally into decoupaging your whole dining space, whatever, no one really cares. Just be honest.
On the flip side of things, if you are on the hunt for Mr./Ms. Right and you're ready to settle down and have 2.5 kids with the white picket fence and all that jazz, don't expect to find your soul mate on Tagged. Be realistic and let them know, within the first few dates that, you are in fact looking for something a little more serious. Don't be psycho about it and make weird voodoo dolls, just be upfront. Give them the choice to run, don't force them.
2. Social Media Suicide
People, no one cares. Literally. I scroll through my Instagram and Facebook daily with a look of disgust because I see so many posts of folks constantly talking about their significant other. Tagging them, posting memes, etc. There are a few exceptions to this rule but for the most part, your "bae" doesn't care nor do they want to see constant notifications about how when you were walking into Starbucks earlier, a cloud caught your eye and reminded you of the first time you met ___________. Just shut up already. We know you're together, clearly you forced him/her to change their relationship status so we get it. Don't overdue it, and don't ask for their password. One of the biggest problems in this digital age is the ability for mates to cyber stalk. Stop it.
3. Being Too Needy / Clingy
(Photo: http://www.capitalfm.co.ke/)
For the love of all things holy, let your significant other out of your eagle eye site from time to time. Let them go hang out with their dumb friends, yes even the ones you hate because you know how they are. Sometimes we are defiant, much like toddlers, and no matter what they will somehow someway make it over to Mikes house for the game, or go hang out with that one slut Stacey, no matter what you say. Last time I checked it was totally illegal to tie them up and force them to stay home unless they're into that kind of thing and its totally consensual. Don't blow their phone up night and day, try going to have your own fun and living your own life. You have a whole gang of friends waiting for you to actually come out of your love den for a night of wine and gossip. Seriously, you need it, you look like a shut in.
4. Being a Prude / Holding Out
I'm not going to lie, I used to do this. I'm here to tell you it can majorly backfire. Nowadays it's not hard for anyone to go out and find a quick piece of strange, so instead of holding sex for ransom, give it freely. Keep them interested. Welcome your partner to share their thoughts and fantasies with you, and even if it isn't something you're willing to do, don't judge! No one judges you when you masturbate to the thought of Evan Peters taking you by surprise in an haunted hotel elevator, you're in no position to be holier than thou.
Let your lover watch porn, even if you're not into it. It's not cheating. It doesn't mean he or she doesn't want you, it just means their horny, you're on your period and yelling psychotically about the cable bill or you've had a bad day at the office and simply cannot be bothered, go ahead, ignore the fact they've ran to the bathroom with their phone. don't barge in even though you think that's OK now.
5. Expecting everything to be perfect ALL OF THE TIME.
It's not possible. Get your life together. You cannot control everything and everyone. There will be days you two need time apart. There will be times that you fight and have some majorly different stances on things, that'd okay. It's normal, you're supposed to. In fact not fighting is highly abnormal. I am an admitted control freak and this is something I struggle with daily, it's never ending. As I get older I am learning that sometimes all you can do is kick back with a very large glass of a soft rose blush, throw your hands up and say "F*** it!"
6. Holding a Grudge
Unless you're a dark overlord in a movie, there's really no need to. Yell, fight, throw your phone, then move on. Say you're sorry. Have amazing make up sex, but do not bring up a fight from July 8th, 2014 when you're arguing in May of 2016. This is a huge no-no, especially if the other party has been caught doing something bad or you have chosen to forgive someone after an infidelity.
If you chose to stay after they cheat, that's your idiotic decision. You can't continue to hold it over their head forever. Forgive and move forward. Life is too short to be angry all of the time, plus I've heard that being bitter makes for a sour va-jay and semen.
OK, the last part, I've not heard, but still, no one likes a Bitter Betty/Ben.
The last one, in my book, is just about thee most important, and I've been guilty of it several times.
7. Being Lazy / Becoming Complacent
Sure, we love our favorite yoga pants. You know the ones you've never worn to actually do yoga in. The seams at the inner thigh have seen better days, they have a few stains going down the left leg that won't come out, and basically make you look like a vagrant.
YES, THOSE FAVORITE YOGA PANTS.
Throw them away you bum. Just because you've snagged someone to deal with you doesn't give you the right to look like and act like a sloth now. Clean yourself up. Remind them of what they were chasing to begin with. Yea so what I have on like that exact outfit right now and it's our anniversary and we are currently fighting, I'm trying to save you. I'm giving you gold here. Don't waste it! Be sexy! Have fun together, still go on dates you know that thing people did beforeNetflix and chill? Yes it still totally exists. Write him/her corny short little notes and post them around your place. Send them a NSFW pic here and there. Make them continue to want you. It's no ones fault but your own if one day you're sitting in a one bedroom flat with 17 cats and a pouch tummy.
Folks, if you take my advice and avoid doing all of the things that we have all at some point been guilty of, then there is hope for you yet. The very worst thing you could do is ignore this! Learn from my mistakes. Live, Laugh, love often and have tons of awesome sex. If you don't use it, you will in fact lose it. THAT is scientifically proven. Ladies, just Kegel at every stoplight, keeps her fresh and new. For the fellas, never in your life leave the house without thee very most delicious cologne! Gucci Guilty is my personal fave.
Until next time!
