The importance of self-esteem, self-worth, and identity cannot be underestimated in our lives. These three concepts are essential in the lives of adolescents and young adults. The way we are raised can have a tremendous effect on how we see ourselves and what we identify with.
Growing up I was always interested in all things creative. I used to love to read, write, and draw. My mom has kept copies of my writing and drawings from when I was a child and used them as examples in her classes as an elementary school teacher. I also played tennis growing up, took piano lessons from elementary to freshman year of high school, and was in marching band in high school, where I played alto saxophone. Scholastic achievement was something that was instilled in me since birth and I always did my best to succeed in my academics through primary and secondary school. I always prided myself on being committed and dedicated to my education.
However, when I got to college I was no longer apart of tennis, piano, or marching band. Reading for fun had lost its appeal to me and my life was consumed with getting up early for 8:00 a.m. classes, midday tutoring sessions, and long nights of studying and homework. I must not forget two changes of major and trying to balance my school life with my social life. I was not really involved outside of class and marching band in high school so I tried my hand at being involved on campus by going to various meetings, being a part of campus activism, and trying to join other organizations that were either related to my major or things that I thought I needed to validate myself or give me a sense of importance. I was even on the executive board for an organization my junior year.
However, there was one organization that I had wanted ever since halfway through my freshman year. I became so caught up in pursuing my dream of getting into this organization that I was borderline obsessed. I eventually caught myself doing things that robbed me of my self-respect and self-worth as an individual. By the time I had realized that everything I thought I needed to say or do to get into this organization had only caused me to betray myself and give away my power as a human being, I had already made myself look foolish in the eyes of my peers and colleagues. I had gotten so far outside of myself that it took me about a year to fully feel like myself again.
What I did not realize was that my self-worth and identity had gotten wrapped up in this organization and when the people involved in the organization saw that I was desperate enough to say and do anything to get on their good side, I set myself up to be embarrassed. As a result, my self-esteem took a major hit and is still in the process of recovering. This hit affected my ability to get my assignments done as a college student and my overall motivation to tackle any of my obligations in life. What I realized after I had processed everything that had happened to me and the organization was that I was acting desperate and naïve. I was willing to do anything to get on the good side of the individuals who stood between me and what I wanted most.
In the process of blindly pursuing what I thought I wanted, I lost sight of my values and who I am as a human being. When it was all said and done, I did not make it into the organization and am currently in a process of rediscovering who I am and reconciling the parts of myself that I lost since beginning my journey at Clemson University. What I have realized since my unfortunate mistakes from my years past at Clemson are that everything we do here is temporary things and titles. Our clubs, organizations, and positions do not define us and who we are as people. Most of them can be easily taken away if we are not careful.
We must not tie our self-worth and identity to any external objects and things in life. When we do this, we set ourselves up to be heartbroken and have the image that we see ourselves as shattered. After everything that I went through, I feel like I have a deeper sense of who I am as a young black man about to graduate college. My experiences at Clemson have only made me stronger and more determined than ever. If I had to state three words for who Thomas Gilbert is right now, they would be: tougher, resilient, and a survivor.
