If you’ve watched The Office US, you would know that Pam’s relationship with her ex-fiancee, Roy, was not a happy one. This is one character development that I think gets overlooked too often. It may be surprising, but there are many men and women who can actually relate to Pam in her toxic-relationship situation. Even though I’ve never been engaged, I can personally relate to Pam after being in a “Roy” type of relationship in high school.

To summarize the relationship for those who may not have seen the show, Pam and Roy were high school sweethearts. When the show started, they had been engaged for three years with no wedding date in sight. To put it bluntly, Roy didn’t care about Pam, and she didn’t realize she’d be better off without him.

This is the case for too many relationships in today’s society. Many men and women go weeks, months, or years being stuck in a toxic and abusive relationship. Not all relationships have to be physically abusive to be toxic. Many of them, like Pam and Roy’s are verbally and mentally abusive. Either way, a lot of people get stuck in these relationships because the “Roy” is able to convince you that you won’t be able to find anyone else to love you - that you are not good enough, and you have to stay with him. Please, do not EVER fall for this. *Spoiler*: Just watch the show and look at Pam and Jim for crying out loud!

My Roy relationship lasted for nearly two years and I was blinded by it almost the entire time. I did not understand that after the first few months, things progressively went downhill, and my unhappiness was coming from my ex-boyfriend. If you’ve ever thought “Why the heck is she still dating that guy? He’s such a jerk to her?” about someone you know, then she has probably been sucked into a Roy relationship.

Unfortunately, I didn’t watch The Office until after my Roy relationship had ended. But, if you or someone you know are continually unhappy in a relationship, here are just a few signs from the “Pam” perspective that let you know you might be in a Roy relationship:

1. He doesn’t want to do anything for or with you. You might get invited to go to group gatherings as a couple, but this is bad news because Roy is going to leave early with or without you. Maybe he just won't show up. Or maybe he will convince you not to go too. Roy and Pam went to Michael’s Dundie Awards at Chili’s, and Roy tried getting Pam to leave early with him because he thought it was lame and there was no open bar. He left her there with Jim (hint hint) and she had to find another ride home. -P.S. this is one of my favorite episodes
2. He talks about other girls. Something that seems harmless, like “joking around with the guys” might actually be a sign that he is interested in other people. During a game of “Who would you do” at the office, Roy admits -right in front of pam - that he would “do” Angela. You can not overlook this!
3. He likes his friends more than you. It's one thing for him to have guy time - which is fine - but If he ignores you, or forgets about you while he’s with his friends, take notice because there is a problem. He should not have to put you completely out of his mind while you are away. Pam admits later in the show that her first date with Roy consisted of going to a hockey game with Roy and his brother. She went to the bathroom and they completely forgot she was there, and left without her.
4. He doesn’t support your accomplishments or ambitions - These are two things that I think that coincide, because it doesn’t matter if it's getting a good grade on a test in school, or getting an offer for a promotion at work - he can’t be proud of you, because you did something good, and he can’t let your self confidence get too high. Roy refused to let Pam take an offer from work that would allow her to expand her dream career of being an artist. He didn’t want her to leave and aspire to better things.
5. He makes you doubt yourself. This is how you get trapped in the relationship. As I mentioned earlier, a “Roy” will ruin your self confidence until you think that he is the best you can get. (This is FALSE.) You will feel down on yourself more than any person ever should. He will decide not to approve of random things in your life. Things that do not effect him. He will make short negative comments about your hairstyle, or the way you dress. You will grow quiet and start to let the previous four signs slide more and more often. This is why it's important to take notice of them and stop things early on.

Ultimately a Roy keeps you from BEING yourself. He downgrades you enough to keep you trapped in the relationship. I’ve come to find that a Roy is the result of control issues. Some part of his life makes him feel like he is out of control, and so he takes it out on you, and keeps you from being individual and independent.

I cannot stress the importance of noticing these signs, and anything else in a relationship that makes you feel unhappy. You can leave Roy, and I can promise you that better things will happen after he is gone. You have the ability to get out of the toxic relationship. It will not be easy, and he will try to get you to backslide - do not fall back into his trap.

Be independent for a little while, because I can guarantee you that once you leave Roy, you will find yourself a Jim. I know this from my experience. It may take a little time, or, who knows - your Jim could be sitting right around the corner waiting for you, the way mine was. He will accept you for you. He will be all of the things that make you happy, and he will be the complete opposite of Roy.