Dépaysement is the feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country; being a foreigner. I felt this way for a long time. Standing next to you was not the same anymore. You were not the first person I rushed to tell everything and anything to. And that made me feel like a foreigner. I spent three years running to you when something happened. Whether it was I got an A on a math test or I had to have surgery on my gallbladder. I still recall the day you came over when I had surgery. You walked into my mom's bedroom and said, “Man, you do not look good.” I laughed, which hurt, and said thanks. You gave me my favorite, marshmallow snowmen, and a note. The note I still have in my second desk drawer today. All of the notes that you have given me I still have. From the very first one in the eighth grade when we talked about what we liked and our passions. You and I both know I keep everything.

So I guess I wrote this for you because without you I feel Dépaysement. You made me feel like I was part of a family. Nothing between us was fake. Always honesty. I guess I have changed these past six months. For the better, I see things from the outside in, rather the inside out. I can see how my actions affect people, or how things are crumbling right in front of me. I understand now, how Rick was not good for me. I have taken steps back and realized what I did wrong and that I need you to come home to the spot that you still have in my heart. With my boyfriend around, everything is pure. He does not bring me down, or influence me in any negative way, the way a relationship should be. He is hilarious, and never once fails to make me laugh. My boyfriend asked me, if I could pick you or Rick, who I would I pick. I said you. I understand that everything I had with you, was what I found in Rick. I just looked for someone like you. I know I fell in love with him, we all know that. But I am over that, and I wish I would have seen my mistakes sooner. Maybe we would not have grown apart.

I see things more clearly, my mom still talks about you. She asks how you are, and what not. I tell her what I can. I guess I wrote you this because, you make me feel something I have never felt before. You make me understand the soulmate connection. That no matter how far we drift apart, I still have a hole in my heart from where you used to be. I go places that we have been, and see things and I think of you. Your Aunt Shannon wished me happy birthday, and I thought about her and how much at home I felt with you in that house. What I am getting at is, I want this again, us. I wrote this to you because when we were going to hang out but never did, I was going to tell you this. I can express everything I want in my head a lot better when I'm writing. I want this relationship to only grow. I do not want negativity or anything like that. I do not do anything destructive anymore, and I am not one to even be around that anymore. I want what is best for the both of us.

And you were the best of me.